Writer Chick Predicts 2017

2017-predictions

Every year, I take a shot at predicting what the new year will bring. I’m usually wrong, though that doesn’t stop me. Here are my best guesses of what will happen in the coming year.

1. Amazon will fold CreateSpace and Audible into its KDP platform by the end of the year. Since they own both outlets it makes sense for them and will probably make it easier for authors to track sales of various publishing platforms. However, I fear the scammers that tend to descend on Amazon will cook up some new scam to hurt indie authors if this comes to pass. Look for something weird on this front.

2. Democrats will make impeaching Trump a priority with the new incoming Congress and possibly make it their first order of business. They may even try to overturn the results from the electoral college. I predict they will be unsuccessful if they try this and will probably make things worse.

3. Serious steps will be taken to distance the U.S. from the UN. Perhaps we will cut ties altogether. But whatever happens, count on protest both for and against on the city streets, with some kind of bizarre tragedy that results.

4. Anti-Trump protests will continue and major colleges will officially create Trump-free zones. These zones will come with their own specified rules of behavior, safe words, calming sports drinks and new age therapy.

5. Mickey Dees will be the first major retailer to employ robots to man their order windows. Once their first cost effective report hits the news other fast food establishments will follow suit. Think it can’t happen, read this.

6. Fox News will change its name to Faux News (Fake News)

7. Hillary Clinton will become the major spokesperson for a new email security software retailer.

8. With its recent success of rebooting old series, Netflix will pull out all the stops and do reboots of: The Brady Bunch, Happy Days, All in the Family, Maude, My Favorite Martian, Starsky & Hutch, and the Courtship of Eddie’s Father.

9. The new iPhone8 will be unveiled in early spring and be the size of a 4-slice toaster but not to worry, it will come with a complimentary backpack to carry it in.

10. Amazon will launch a new beta program for indie authors to make movies of their books.

11. A new haircut called “The Trump” will become popular with middle aged, hair challenged men and women.

12. California will distinguish itself as the first state to drive smokers into total apathy and become a ‘smoke free’ state. Authorities will be very proud of themselves until they realize they have billions of dollars in lost tax revenue to make up. Look to the dubie tax to come next.

13. In a weird pop culture salute to Trump’s election, red ball caps will dominate the fashion world and be seen in all the spring collections on the runways in 2017.

Not a pretty list, I’ll admit, but there you have it. What about you? What do you think will happen in the coming year? Will it be good or bad? Fun or a disaster? Could it possibly be worse than 2016? Feel free to let loose with your own predictions in the comments.

Happy New Year. 😀

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Writer Chick Predicts 2014

writer chick predictsEvery year, I dust off my crystal ball and look into it to see what we can expect in the future.  It’s not an exact science but it is fun and heck, sometimes I even get a couple right. And so, Writer Chick predicts that in 2014…

  1. The Democrats will get trounced in the mid-term elections and the Republicans will hold the House of Representatives and take back the U.S. Senate.  This will largely be due to the growing unpopularity of Obamacare, which conservative campaigners will refer to as ‘the gift that keeps on giving.’  Dennis Kucinich will float a bill to change the name of the healthcare law to the Un-Affordable Care Act.  However, as is the case with all the congressman’s bills, it will be largely ignored.
  2. Not ones to be upstaged, the progressives will start a grassroots group to counteract the Tea Party and they will call it the Vitamin Water Party.  Sadly, the group will get no traction because everybody will hate the name.
  3. Miley Cyrus will find Jesus, stop twerking and post endless selfies of herself dressed as Mary Magdalena all over her Facebook page.
  4. The Beyonce’s lip syncing scandal will revive when it is learned that she has been lip syncing all along and in fact we have been listening to weird Al Yankovich as run through a ‘dirty mamma’ voice synthesizer.
  5. Kanye West’s head will spontaneously combust while being interviewed on the O’Reilly factor, while trying to keep his promise of never criticizing anyone ever again.
  6. So You Think You Can Dance adds twerking as a dance form to its repertoire and the opening show features a twerking number choreographed by the chick with the weird hair style and all those tattoos.
  7. Apple will release a new hands-free iPhone app that enables the user to take selfies by saying ‘shoot me.’
  8. Due to all the controversy surrounding Obamacare, Kathleen Sebelius will resign and appear on the Apprentice as a mid-life contestant looking for a fresh career path.  Unfortunately, her lack of personal responsibility will result in being called into the boardroom so that the Donald can say, “You’re Fired!”
  9. Former President George W. Bush is finally embraced by the left when he becomes the Andy Warhol of famous politicians.  That’s what we get for mis-underestimating him.
  10. The first driver-less car will hit the roads in late 2014 and will promptly cause a 27 car pile-up on the 405 freeway.  Personal injury lawyers will then commence to argue for the next twenty years over who has legal liability for the victims of the crash.
  11. The city of Washington D.C. will create its own lottery and it will be named Lobby-Lotto.  While billions will be spent, no one will ever win and after extensive congressional hearings we will learn that the money is in an offshore account that even Edward Snowden can’t hack into.
  12. In an effort to expand the First Lady’s healthy body program, the TSA will install state-of-the-art weight scales that all air travelers must weigh in on before flying.  Those who refuse will be ticketed and sent to Jillian Michaels for forced obesity counseling.  Those whose BMI exceeds the national norms will get a $50 surcharge added to their ticket and their peanuts will be given to another passenger.
  13. Northern Californians will be successful in their quest to form a new state which will be known as the People’s Republic of California.  The state’s constitution will include prohibitions on smoking (unless it’s weed), fat consumption (unless it’s foie gras), speaking English, and heterosexual lifestyles. Children and Republicans will not be allowed entry into the new state, without adult supervision.
  14. A talking dog will be discovered and interviewed and humans will be astounded to learn that dogs don’t actually think.
  15. And finally… Occupy Wall Street will resurrect its movement by enlisting homeless zombies who feel disenfranchised by people in general and society as a whole. The new grassroots soldiers will descend on the White House on Christmas Day, chanting, ‘brains! We don’t need no stinking brains.  Unfortunately, FEMA will discover that ordinary drones have little effect on the Zombie swarms and a mob mentality sets in with government workers, desperate to find helmets to protect their brains.

As always, feel free to add  your own predictions to the list.

Oh and by the way, Happy New Year.  I hope I’ve given you a laugh or two to start off the new year right.

Writer Chick

Copyright 2013

The future is not ours to see—2011 predictions

Once again, we are on the precipice of a new year and the predictions are coming in fast and furious. In just a quick perusal I found that people are predicting everything from an intentional Republican strategy of maintaining terrible conditions to a live suicide by a politico on TV. Never-the-less I will share my predictions for the coming year, if for no other reason than to entertain and amuse.

Writer Chick predicts that in 2011….

1. Obama, at a loss for winning phrases and a decent speech writer will turn over the State of the Union address to Warren Buffet and Bill Gates. After Obama excuses himself to go to party, his stand-ins will tout the merits of higher estate taxes and zero population growth policies and detail the positive impact they will have on the still floundering economy.
2. Julian Assange will file a personal injury lawsuit against his ‘enemies’ for leaking personal and private information about him. Stating that when it comes to leaking information about him, such actions are immoral and unethical and he has been irreparably damaged by the leaks.
3. Despite record breaking rainfall in California the ‘water police’ will begin issuing tickets to Californians who water backyard gardens, house plants and tiny lawns. Although those growing medicinal marijuana will be exempted from such citations.
4. Six months into his new term as governor, Jerry Brown will surreptitiously start a recall campaign to have himself removed from office and replaced by a Republican. When the sh*t hits the fan Republicans will be blamed and the Democrats will appear to be the victims of the whole mess.
5. First Lady Michelle Obama will publish a new children’s book called,  A children’s guide to the new living, breathing constitution. Amendments Mrs. Obama will encourage children to lobby for include:
a. The right to be force-fed vegetables
b. The right not to be fed fast food
c. The right to sue and blame your parents for everything you do that is wrong and irresponsible.

6.  During an enhanced pat down, a TSA agent will cut her finger on a bobbie pin in a female passenger’s hair. The cut will require an extra large band aid and the TSA will subsequently declare that all hair pins & accessories to be potential weapons and prohibit passengers from bringing them on board. Individuals donning toupees, wigs and hair extensions will be forced to remove the hair pieces for special scanning before being allowed to wear them on board an airplane.
7. A new spate of Wikileaks documents will reveal:
a. Homeland Security Chief Napolitano is really a man
b. That Nancy Pelosi hasn’t had a heartbeat for years
c. That George Soros and Warren Buffet are twins separated at birth
8. Israel will finally get fed up with all the grief it gets and wipe Iran off the map.
9. American companies will make a mass exodus from China due to new global warming taxes extended only to American business concerns and will return their manufacturing to America, where at least people speak English.
10. In a total twist of irony, Oprah Winfrey will challenge Obama for the Democrat nomination for 2012.
11. The 112th Congress will evict the UN for years of non-payment of rent and sell the building to Donald Trump who will have his “Apprentice” contestants compete to re-purpose the building.
12. Science will discover that in fact there is life on other planets and living right here on Earth.  The extraterrestrials who are like us will be found to be working for Congress.
13. Facebook will obtain eBay, Skype, Twitter and all other major social media platforms. Shortly after the acquisitions the government will sue Facebook for monopolizing social media and force a break up of the conglomerate – after levying extensive fines.
14. Google will enter the political arena with a new and progressive political pay per click advertising platform, among the unique features offered with this program will be a gps locating system that can isolate heretofore unknown voting blocs.

How about you, what are your 2011 predictions?

WC
Copyright 2010

Prediction, Predictions, Who's Got 'Em?

A new year is just about here and given the year that we just had, I can’t even imagine what might happen next…well, actually maybe I can imagine. As I did last year and the year before that, I offer the following predictions as but a tiny slice of the fun and games I believe is coming in a future near you.

1. Hillary Clinton will bitch-slap lil Kim of N. Korea for grabbing the last lamb chop at her first televised state dinner.

2. OJ Simpson now hopelessly incarcerated for a bogus crime to pay for the crime he actually committed but was acquitted of, will start his own religion which will emphasize starting the day with fruit juice.

3. A Congressional Oversight Committee will be formed to investigate the suspicious use and possible abuse of powdered sugar in the pastry industry.

4. Hyper-miling will become mandatory in the state of California, which will really make it easier to talk on the cell phones.

5. Bigfoot will be discovered and captured and after extensive DNA testing it will be found to be the illegitimate offspring of Teddy Kennedy and Janet Reno.

6. Jesse Jackson will ‘come out’ via a tell-all memoir in which he will admit to having a long standing love affair with the Reverand Al Sharpton.

7. Silver back Gorrillas, previously believed to be a vanishing species will launch a surprise takeover of urban America by using a network of ape cells secretly formed in zoos across the country.

8. President-elect Obama will be proven to not be a natural citizen of the United States and deemed ineligible to be President. An ‘emergency’ election will be held and once again, Hillary will get yet another chance at the brass ring.

9. Honda will open its first factory in China and consequently have the largest recall in auto manufacturing history, which will bankrupt them. Congress will bail them out to ensure China’s economy is saved.

10. Virtual cheating will become bonafide grounds for divorce and affect child custody cases as well.

11. Several members of Congress will be disagnosed with a new mental affliction known as BOBS (bail out blues syndrome) which inexplicably causes them to break out into rousing show tunes on the House and Senate floors.

12. Hundreds of hats will wash up on the Jersey shore, confounding local law enforcement, neccesitating calling in the FBI to pursue and apprehend (who the press have deemed) the Mad Hatter. (Clue: look for rabbits)

13. Joe the Plumber will land his own reality television show called “My Two Cents.” The contestants will be a bunch of sissy ass whiners worried about the erosion of their personal freedoms and about which people don’t really give a shit. The whiner most popular with the media wins and of course gets a check for two cents as prize money.

14. Global warming will strike once again and the East Coast will experience the most temperate winter in weather recorded history. Conversely, California will close all freeways during a state of emergency called because of snow storms. Bob sleds will become the new ‘green’ commuter busses.

As always, feel free to add to the list. Happy New Year!