Weird Pets

Where I come from, people had pretty ordinary or what you might call normal, pets. Mostly, dogs and cats, maybe a couple of fish, even a horse. Nothing too terribly unusual. The names were pretty normal too – names like King, Queenie, Spot, Fluffy, Smokey, Snowball. Basically names that you wouldn’t name a person, your kid or something, you know pet names.

Though I’ve noticed as the march of time moved on, people got weirder and weirder pets. I think the first clue was the Pet Rock. Now, one has to really think about that for a minute – how much of loser does one have to be in order to only be pet-compatible with a rock? A rock? What’s worse is people even named their pet rocks. Can you say loser?

I think though that this could possibly be an extension of the naming your vehicle thing. Bessie, Fred, WildThang, whatever – people who name their cars and trucks are making pets of them. To me, too weird. I have names for my car but they are reserved for times of stress when the car is giving me trouble and costing me money. They would never be considered endearments of any kind.

After the pet rocks there seemed to be a trend toward naming animals as if they were children or people. Names like Remington, Charlamagne, and Bruce come to mind. Or naming pets after famous people like Thurber, Hemingway and Prince Charles.

Then came the occasional odd pet:

The pet wolf – pretty and sorta looked like a dog but could turn on you at any moment.

The baby racoon that turned into a terror and garbage can addict in just a few short weeks.

Ferretts and mongooses. Oh yeah, out here, they are really popular.

Rats and mice. Now doesn’t it strike you as weird that people would make pets of creatures that whole industries have been created for the sole purpose of destroying same?

How’s about an ocelot? There’s a purty pussycat. Course he’ll take out your eye if you ain’t paying attention.

Pet ants – ant farms. Refer back to mice/rat statement.

Pet snakes. Especially snakes like Boas – great, I love you to death – right?

Of course if you Michael Jackson you have your own giraffe and several chimpanzees.

Pet monkeys – those creepy little dudes that used to be the organ grinder’s friend in the bad B movies from the 40’s & 50’s is now suddenly a really cool pet thanks to Ross from Friends. Yoiks.

Rabbits are also weird pets the poop non-stop, make no really connection to any other living creature and never have any life in their eyes. Sure they are cute but -hello! nobody home.

Lately, my dog (magpie – maggie for short) has been trying to make the possum who lives in our yard her pet. You can always tell when our possum is out and about because Maggie gets all agitated and makes this really annoying whiney sound and runs around in circles chasing her tail. You think she really has to go and you let her outside and then she runs up and down the yard along the back wall making that weird growly whiney sound – apparently trying to teach the Possum how to ‘heel’ or something. It takes an hour sometimes to get her back in the house. And even after she is in, she is still hankering for some quality time with Possum. Do you think if I showed her this picture, she’d change her mind?

Gotta go, she is insisting she has to pee and giving that pathetic, I’m-a-poor-puppy look and I just know that if I choose to believe she is faking I will be cleaning up the carpet later.

So how about you? Know any weird pets?

WC

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Bargain Bitches

I don’t know about you guys but I love to shop. Not just shop but bargain hunt. Consequently, I spend time in not just regular stores in shopping malls but in consignment shops, thrift stores, second hand shops, Goodwill, outlets and so on.

I know that turns a lot of people off. Buying other people’s castoffs- doesn’t necessarily conjure up pleasant pictures. But then again, that’s what dry cleaners and laundramats were made for – you know? For example, there are some things like an Audrey Hepburn Chanel suit that you aren’t going to be able to get anywhere but a vintage shop. If you like vintage or retro clothing you aren’t going to get it at Macy’s. If you want fantastic Italian leather shoes for a fraction of their typical cost you will either have to go to Italy or find an outlet (Gerry Pillar’s out in my neck of the woods) and spend the time going through the stacks to see if you can find that gem.

I suppose it’s really a matter of preference or perspective. Some people think that shopping is a time consuming task that is best gotten through as quickly as possible. I, on the other hand, think of it as ‘the hunt.’ For me, it’s hunting season all year long. And believe me, you better be willing to come with weaponry and ammunition because those other bargain bitches mean business.

Like today, I decided to visit one of my favorite haunts for a couple of things. They didn’t have what I was looking for but I thought I’d hit the racks anyway because I knew I could always use another shirt or blouse. There must be a special shopping pheramone (sp) because I’ve noticed whenever I hit a rack and there is no one around for miles and I’m just flying through, all of a sudden other bb’s show up sniffing around. They position their carts so I can’t get by or they start right ahead of me or right behind me – doing the bargain stalk – hoping to spook me and get me to leave. But I don’t fall for that crap any more. If some bb knocks me with her cart, I knock her right back and act as if it was an act of God. If some bb tries to push ahead of me I stick my fat ass in her path. If another bb tries to reach over me I give her the ‘I’m a gonna kill ye’ look and she backs off.

This is serious business and if you think you can waltz into some bargain establishment and just patty cake your way through it you are sadly mistaken. You must go with a kickass attitude, a grimace on your face and a look that makes people wonder just what kind of weaponry you carry in that bigass purse slung over your shoulder. But I digress….

I went to one of my usual haunts and was flipping through the blouses and some grunting, muttering creature sidled right up next to me. She was special. She had this really spooky, grunty, breathy talk to herself thing she did – which immediately conjured up images of Kujo. I didn’t really want a blouse that bad so I moved to another rack. But in short order she was there again. And again and again. Wherever I went she appeared within moments. It freaked me out a little. Though she wasn’t trying to throw me off my game she was doing it anyway. I grabbed a few things and checked out quick.

It’s the kind of thing that can really ruin your bargain hunt experience. After I got in my car, I sat a while, wondering if she would come out and shed her human suit and reveal that she was a werewolverine or something. But no luck. Still, I may have to work hard to get the breathy grunty mutter outta my head.

WC

Hot Off the (Church Lady) Press!

(HT to KellyToo, who sent me this hilarious list. WC)

They’re Back! Church Bulletins: Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”
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Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
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Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
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Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: “Break Forth Into Joy.”
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours”

Would You Put That Spam in a Can?

 

It used to be that Spam was just a really poor imitation of canned ham. I believe it was developed during World War II when meat was pretty scarce (as were all resources) and people were willing to give mystery meat a try. And heck somebody must have liked it cuz, you know they are still selling it today.

I think I tried it once and that was really enough – sort of like balloons with a bologna-like flavor and a might too much salt – but I have a finnicky palate. Kudos to those who can enjoy a hearty meal of Spam and eggs or Spam samiches or spam-hash. Bless you all.

However, the original Spam is not the topic of this post. Nope…

We are talking about the evil Spam. The type intended to overrun mailboxes, websites and blogs. It is junk mail gone wild. If this stuff was on paper, there would not be one tree left standing on the planet. It can be vicious, gross, mean, annoying and bizarre – but mostly, to me, it is really fucking STUPID! Yeah, stupid. I mean, come on already – do these idiots really think that we think that we just won an Irish Sweepstakes or a UK Super Lotto? Do they not know that we know that one must enter these contests in order to win? Do they really think we are as stupid as they?

They don’t even try to be smart about it. They don’t use demographics or any real marketing tools. It’s just so amazingly stupid it boggles the rational mind. For example, why send viagra ads to females? Sure maybe one or two will want to buy some for their disgusting, decrepit, alcoholic old man – but with all the marital aids on the market these days (many of which can be purchased at Amazon for cripes sake) why bother? And hot nude girl pictures also sent to women – now granted there may be a percentage of women who like that stuff but do you really think you’re hitting your niche market by sending a gajillion links to hot teen sex to a bunch of middle-aged soccer moms who blog on the side? Get real.

Here is a recent list of spam caught on my blog –

MedsMan – he is offering me honey in a lovely nonsensical comment that I supposed was designed to make me so curious I would click on his link and end up on his hideous website.

Stinky – He’s selling sex and cars or maybe it is sex with cars – didn’t really want to follow the link – know what I mean?

JohnB – This one really got me – pictures of Chlamydia AND Hot Mature Babes. Now given that Chlamydia is sexually transmitted disease I can only imagine what the pictures would look like. But really, if I want to see a disease can’t I go to the Discovery Channel or something – with Scientists and lab photos?

752njpgh – Thinks I’m a candidate for viagra.

BadGirl apparently works with Stinky since they hawk the same goods and have the same links.

451yhafft – Kindly offered me amatuer porn – now if I was into porn would I really want to see the amatuer stuff? Couldn’t I do that myself?

Kolia would like to send me some bad nude celebrity photos. Since I’ve seen plenty of bad celebrity photos I’m quite sure I don’t want to see any of them naked.

Kazbert is a GP spammer and is offering directv with a little Disney Channel shopping on the side.

Green simply claims to be a sex teacher – wow they have teachers for that now? I sure hope they don’t get any federal funding for it.

FouFoun – has some cheap airline tickets to Russia. Now I ask you, how many out there want to go to Russia under any circumstance? Cheap tickets or no, I’m gonna pass.

Mr. Carrot works with BadGirl and Stinky – cute names though, eh? Sort of like Porno stuffed animals or something.

Dertaer apparently works with FouFoun to trick people into going to Russia by giving them cheap tickets and lots of black market smokes.

Huss just dropped by to thank me for my site and tell me how much he enjoyed it. Oh sure he did.

Helga Ferg seems to be offering drugs, sex and rock and roll – I’m asking you will the Baby Boomer generation ever get off that anthem? Shouldn’t some of them be dead by now?

Hillary Ferg I’m guessing is Helga’s sisters although she is offering balloon art. Now one could wonder what kind of ‘art’ is on those balloons or maybe just take a pass altogether.

So, there they are folks, the stupid spammers who tried to put stupid spam on my blog and were caught by the spam filter. May they all end up in Spam Hell where they are forced to read their own disgusting crap 24/7 because they are permanently installed in front of a computer screen, have no eyelids and their screams can’t be heard because they are in a hermetically sealed cubicle.

WC

Bad Art!

Call me crazy but isn’t art supposed to be good? Isn’t the idea of art that it is supposed to uplift us, provoke us, make us think, make us respond, make us rethink? If so, I ask you, what does the above portrait make you think? Me? I think it kind of reminds me of Hillary & Chelsea without their makeup and good lighting. But for sure, this is not really improving my life in any way.

Now, I’m not talking about taste. People like and respond to different art forms and different forms of those forms of art. (Don’t worry Michael, we won’t be discussing (c)Rap today.) And while there are certain types of art that really don’t speak to me personally, I can still see it is art. That’s fine and well. It can be far out or whacky or like nothing you’ve ever seen – but if the artist really knows their stuff, like it or not, you’ll know it’s art. Right? To me, if the piece has a high quality of communication and the artistic skill & expertise is there it works.

But what about crap like, Andy Warhole’s campbell soup can? This is art? Huh? Or the famous piece of Jesus’ head in a jar of urine (real urine, mind you) – sorry I forget the name or the museum it’s in. Another of my favorites is a big blue box in the Los Angeles County Museum of Art, called Big Blue Box. Now, what message am I to get from that? That boxes are big and blue? Eh? In my day I’ve seen plenty, whether in real life or in photographs, on the internet, etc. There’s a lot of bad art going around.

In fact, there is a Museum of Bad Art if you find  you simply can’t get enough bad art, or want an afternoon of bad art, this is your place. My particular favorite is called “Haircut” pictured below:

Hey now, how’s about you trim just a little off the top and please don’t stab my eyes.

Then there are these green monstrosities:

 

I’m not sure but I think they are in the nominations lane for entry into the Museum of Bad Art. Or maybe they are just bad and are floating around the universe with all the other really bad art. Like this one:

Spooky huh?

I’m wondering, is really bad art a result of really bad books, really bad television shows, really bad movies and really low standards that is now the American pop culture? Is do we have really bad television shows, really bad movies, really bad books and really low standards because of the the really bad art out there? It’s something to think about.

What do you think?

WC

What Are People Looking For?

 

Okay, I’ve been a blogging for a few months now and so I thought it was time to take stock of why or how people end up at this blog. I’ve compiled a list of search terms from this week and listed them by category and frequency.

So, the number one reason people come to my blog is for shit. Stupid shit, funny shit, cool shit – doesn’t matter, shit is shit, right?
stupid shit
STUPID PEOPLE DOING STUPID SHIT
stupid shit to do
utterly stupid shit
cool shit jokes
really cool shit
stupid and cool jokes
really random stupid jokes
shit on my shoe jokes
funny shit
coolest shit on the internet
different days the same shit

Number two reason is apparently inspiration that is somehow connected to death. Now there must be something about all that stupid and funny shit going on here that inspires people – or some of my stuff is so depressing that only really depressed people looking for inspiration come here.
“inspirational words” “death”
inspirational words on the death of child
inspirational words of death
inspirational words death of child
inspirational words for a death in the family
inspiring words for family
how does family feels about death of loved one

Number three reason, appears to be famous people or quotes of famous people.
Helen Keller amazes me because
hemingway motivation passages
ernest hemingway
movie about a writer man’s life
mac davis songs lyrics bug
mac davis photos january 2007
hard to be humble when you are

Number four reason is current events. At last someone is actually interested in my opinion of life and the world around us and politics! Yippee!
current events on race/religion
burn in hell saddam
support the troops my watch tonight
who is the miss america of 2007 prediction
predictions botox anyone 2007
picking your presidential candidate 2007
candidate platforms for election 2008

Number five reason is American Idol. And why not?
taylor hicks meet and greet
taylor hicks favorite saying
american idol seattle popeyed man
dancing queen cover american idol
who is going to be the 2008 american idol

Number six reason is fashion advice. Cool!
how to sit in a skirt
what to wear if you have chicken legs
Why does santa wear Red
global warming underwear on line
underwear boy

Number seven is for our heroes the firefighters – God Bless em.
Firemen Prayer
the words to a firemans pray
firemen and angels
firefighter teamwork sayings

Onto reason number eight which is the search for the drama queen. Well yeah, they’ll definitely find some of that here.
drama queen phrases
belly dance drama queen
drama queen blahs
women dramatic scenes

Reason number nine is food and drink – and really what party would be complete without it?
LOTSA PASTA
what to use soup bones in
Julia Childs turkey
chivas

Number ten – living for the moment – heavy thinking mind provoking stuff. Yeah, you’ll notice first it’s the shit then it’s thinking stuff.
“live for the moment” chinese symbols
live for the moment pattern
live for the moment or plan for the future

Number eleven is the stuff I guess that appeals to the bipolar in all of us.
okay to talk to yourself outloud
I talk to myself out loud
people who make up stories and hold conversations

Number twelve the stuff that appeals to the evil creature in all of us – as relates to work of course.
tricks to pull on coworkers
birthday letters for clients
toilet office

Number thirteen is those who seek dating advice or commiseration.
manipulation sayings
when a guy asks you to sleep with him
bad date monologue

Number fourteen is taken up by the worriers amongs us.
are you a worry wart?
WORRY WART
you are a worry wart

Number fifteen seems to be looking for me personally or advice on hair, not sure.
what happened to Bad Hair Day blogger?
cartoon woman with bad hair day

Number sixteen is clearly a mistake.
good wishes thought
good wishes sayings

Number seventeen, I really don’t have a clue about this one – unless it has something to do with reader feedback or I’ve been writing posts in my sleep again.
hysterical mommy stories
“mommy and daddy wrestling”

Number eighteen proves just how sad we all are – to actually search for nothing…wow
Nothing. Nada.
No nothing, nada, zilch, zip

Number nineteen is the ever popular fat ass syndrome. This particular search item has fallen in popularity it was once quite high on the list. I’m sure it will come back in style as bathing suit season approaches.
you know you’re a fatass when
is my 11 yr old fat

Number twenty apparently is an attempt to steal the pictures that I probably stole to post on a blog.
humorous pictures head exploding
the witches prosthetics photos

Number twenty one a search for answers to the weather.
why can’t the sky be red instead of blue
sky

And finally, number twenty two which is all the other shit that people used to find my blog.
mold on a funny bone
embarrass funny mate
embarrass moment
barney more than hugs lyrics funny
morning hatred
misanthropic quotes
different words for ha ha and ho ho
funning sayings about computers
top ten things you can do with ice
wordPress crit group
poems with made-up words
writers of the show Friends
octagerian

So i guess in summary, one can only conclude that for the most part people look for my blog when they are looking for shit.

WC

Snowy California

Okay, so it’s a little late and there is no real threat of snow in California but I really liked the vid. Plus it did snow in Malibu this week – does that count?

WC

PS: Oh yeah, and apparently the video gods are letting me post videos again. Cool, huh?

Me & Zelda in 40 Years

I loved this cartoon – because it truly reflects what a retard I am at heart. And also I was doing this all day – completely misunderstanding what everyone said like ‘time for lunch’ sounded like ‘slimey hunch’ and ‘that’s the ticket’ sounded like ‘tits in a widget’ – yeah another fine day at my new job. 😉

WC

Oh For a Scotch and a Pack of Cigarettes

 

Okay folks, so you want a story about my new job? Let me just tell you about my glorious day.

I got up early and got ready – determined to get there ahead of everyone else. New schedule, new commute still trying to hit it just right. And yesterday I was broiling in the office because I wore a sweater, so today just a cotton turtleneck and trousers.

Out the door and the air is like ice – 39 degrees – in California mind you. That’s really cold for us out here. Already I’m rethinking the cotton turtleneck but there’s no time so I jump in my little Chevy. But wait, what’s this? Why did it practically take two hands to turn the ignition? No radio, no heater, no lights, my ABS light is stuck on and there’s this funny smell….

Okay, clearly not getting in ahead of anyone. Drive straight to the mechanic (who I only just saw last week for one of those delux tune-up jobby-do’s) – but only the non-english speaking mechanic guy is there. The manager will be back in an hour – the owner who I’ve known for a bagillion years had just left. Nice big cold wind coming up. Hmmm…who can I call at 8:15 in the morning who won’t want to kill me? Why Zelda of course. Call home phone. No answer. Call cell. No answer. Decide to call work to tell them I will be late. No answer.

Yay, Zelda calls back. Yes she will take me to work. Be there in a few. Now with Zelda a few minutes can mean anything from 5 minutes to an hour. More standing in cold office and cold parking lot at mechanic’s. Finally Zelda arrives, I get in the car, which isn’t quite as cold as outside but not doing much to thaw me out. See Zelda doesn’t like heaters – in fact, she runs the A/C pretty much year round. So I keep my shivers to myself since she is doing me a favor.

Now I’m dreading how many bagillions of dollars it’s going to cost me to fix the car. I have visions of redoing the entire electrical system and various other stomach-churning possibilities. Enough. I throw myself into work. The place is a mess. There is stuffed crammed in every nook and cranny. Old papers, old envelopes, parts of equipment that no longer exists. Magazines, notepads, broken clipboards, Halloween decorations – pretty much everything but the fricking kitchen sink. So I spent most of the day going through all that crap. It did warm me up though – so I suppose that’s the upside.

Then I needed to talk to the bookeeper which took forever because she had to do this or that or whatever – long story short, I finally got a few minutes with her and got her on Quick Books tutorials. During which I discovered she doesnt’ know much about Quick Books and really pretty much computers. Cool, so it’s going to be a long road there.

Then the soon to be ex office manager had a fit because she didn’t get her overtime and she’s going to walk out and ooh, it’s such a drama. I mean we’re talking about $20. Right? So I told her I’d talk to Zelda cuz she was the one who put the kabosh on that – don’t even ask. So I just got off the phone with Zelda and she’s all pissed. And the other one is all pissed and it’s all on my plate anyway cuz well, it just is.

The good news is my car only needed a $50 part – a relay? And it works just fine now. I’m still alive, that’s good news. And there are only two more days left to the work week. Also good news. But Friday we’re having a little party for the ex office manager whom everyone hates and can’t wait to have go – but any reason to have cake and coffee, right?

Right now, a scotch and a pack of cigarettes would do a lot to improve my mood. I gotta tell you I’m not sure I’m cut out for this kind of crap. It’s all stupid and petty to me. I’d rather be writing. I’d rather being reading. I must be out of my mind. Oh well, maybe it will be better next week.

Though the 2nd night of American Idol tryouts is on tonight. I think I’m having a bad day? I’ll betcha there will be others who have a way worse one than me after all is said and done.

Later.

WC