The future is not ours to see—2011 predictions

Once again, we are on the precipice of a new year and the predictions are coming in fast and furious. In just a quick perusal I found that people are predicting everything from an intentional Republican strategy of maintaining terrible conditions to a live suicide by a politico on TV. Never-the-less I will share my predictions for the coming year, if for no other reason than to entertain and amuse.

Writer Chick predicts that in 2011….

1. Obama, at a loss for winning phrases and a decent speech writer will turn over the State of the Union address to Warren Buffet and Bill Gates. After Obama excuses himself to go to party, his stand-ins will tout the merits of higher estate taxes and zero population growth policies and detail the positive impact they will have on the still floundering economy.
2. Julian Assange will file a personal injury lawsuit against his ‘enemies’ for leaking personal and private information about him. Stating that when it comes to leaking information about him, such actions are immoral and unethical and he has been irreparably damaged by the leaks.
3. Despite record breaking rainfall in California the ‘water police’ will begin issuing tickets to Californians who water backyard gardens, house plants and tiny lawns. Although those growing medicinal marijuana will be exempted from such citations.
4. Six months into his new term as governor, Jerry Brown will surreptitiously start a recall campaign to have himself removed from office and replaced by a Republican. When the sh*t hits the fan Republicans will be blamed and the Democrats will appear to be the victims of the whole mess.
5. First Lady Michelle Obama will publish a new children’s book called,  A children’s guide to the new living, breathing constitution. Amendments Mrs. Obama will encourage children to lobby for include:
a. The right to be force-fed vegetables
b. The right not to be fed fast food
c. The right to sue and blame your parents for everything you do that is wrong and irresponsible.

6.  During an enhanced pat down, a TSA agent will cut her finger on a bobbie pin in a female passenger’s hair. The cut will require an extra large band aid and the TSA will subsequently declare that all hair pins & accessories to be potential weapons and prohibit passengers from bringing them on board. Individuals donning toupees, wigs and hair extensions will be forced to remove the hair pieces for special scanning before being allowed to wear them on board an airplane.
7. A new spate of Wikileaks documents will reveal:
a. Homeland Security Chief Napolitano is really a man
b. That Nancy Pelosi hasn’t had a heartbeat for years
c. That George Soros and Warren Buffet are twins separated at birth
8. Israel will finally get fed up with all the grief it gets and wipe Iran off the map.
9. American companies will make a mass exodus from China due to new global warming taxes extended only to American business concerns and will return their manufacturing to America, where at least people speak English.
10. In a total twist of irony, Oprah Winfrey will challenge Obama for the Democrat nomination for 2012.
11. The 112th Congress will evict the UN for years of non-payment of rent and sell the building to Donald Trump who will have his “Apprentice” contestants compete to re-purpose the building.
12. Science will discover that in fact there is life on other planets and living right here on Earth.  The extraterrestrials who are like us will be found to be working for Congress.
13. Facebook will obtain eBay, Skype, Twitter and all other major social media platforms. Shortly after the acquisitions the government will sue Facebook for monopolizing social media and force a break up of the conglomerate – after levying extensive fines.
14. Google will enter the political arena with a new and progressive political pay per click advertising platform, among the unique features offered with this program will be a gps locating system that can isolate heretofore unknown voting blocs.

How about you, what are your 2011 predictions?

Copyright 2010

Prediction, Predictions, Who's Got 'Em?

A new year is just about here and given the year that we just had, I can’t even imagine what might happen next…well, actually maybe I can imagine. As I did last year and the year before that, I offer the following predictions as but a tiny slice of the fun and games I believe is coming in a future near you.

1. Hillary Clinton will bitch-slap lil Kim of N. Korea for grabbing the last lamb chop at her first televised state dinner.

2. OJ Simpson now hopelessly incarcerated for a bogus crime to pay for the crime he actually committed but was acquitted of, will start his own religion which will emphasize starting the day with fruit juice.

3. A Congressional Oversight Committee will be formed to investigate the suspicious use and possible abuse of powdered sugar in the pastry industry.

4. Hyper-miling will become mandatory in the state of California, which will really make it easier to talk on the cell phones.

5. Bigfoot will be discovered and captured and after extensive DNA testing it will be found to be the illegitimate offspring of Teddy Kennedy and Janet Reno.

6. Jesse Jackson will ‘come out’ via a tell-all memoir in which he will admit to having a long standing love affair with the Reverand Al Sharpton.

7. Silver back Gorrillas, previously believed to be a vanishing species will launch a surprise takeover of urban America by using a network of ape cells secretly formed in zoos across the country.

8. President-elect Obama will be proven to not be a natural citizen of the United States and deemed ineligible to be President. An ‘emergency’ election will be held and once again, Hillary will get yet another chance at the brass ring.

9. Honda will open its first factory in China and consequently have the largest recall in auto manufacturing history, which will bankrupt them. Congress will bail them out to ensure China’s economy is saved.

10. Virtual cheating will become bonafide grounds for divorce and affect child custody cases as well.

11. Several members of Congress will be disagnosed with a new mental affliction known as BOBS (bail out blues syndrome) which inexplicably causes them to break out into rousing show tunes on the House and Senate floors.

12. Hundreds of hats will wash up on the Jersey shore, confounding local law enforcement, neccesitating calling in the FBI to pursue and apprehend (who the press have deemed) the Mad Hatter. (Clue: look for rabbits)

13. Joe the Plumber will land his own reality television show called “My Two Cents.” The contestants will be a bunch of sissy ass whiners worried about the erosion of their personal freedoms and about which people don’t really give a shit. The whiner most popular with the media wins and of course gets a check for two cents as prize money.

14. Global warming will strike once again and the East Coast will experience the most temperate winter in weather recorded history. Conversely, California will close all freeways during a state of emergency called because of snow storms. Bob sleds will become the new ‘green’ commuter busses.

As always, feel free to add to the list. Happy New Year!