I don’t know about you but I’ve been looking over the candidate lists of likely runners for the White House in 2008 and I’m simply not impressed.
It seems with the Democrats that it’s going to come down to Hillary and Barak. Of course, there are the usual second string of snoozers, Kerry, Dodd, Edwards, Algore, Biden and so on. The ones that just have to keep trying and never seem to get there – usually because they tend to eat both of their feet at the same time.
Not really sure what’s up with the Republicans – there is no clear front runner. McCain is the Republican version of Gore, always running and never winning and a sore loser. Rudy is too middle of the road. Tancredo is interesting but probably won’t get enough traction because of his immigration stance. Pataki ain’t nothing to write home about. The two who strike me as interesting are Fred Thompson and Newt Gingrinch. Fred because he has that easy going southern man thing going and seems to be a true conservative. Newt because, well he’s Newt. Certainly as polarizing as Hillary and the idea of the two of them duking it out sends me into absolute glee.
That being said – it bores me. I want a real candidate, just once in my lifetime. Not a politician, not spinmeister, no a liar or a dancer or a campaigner – but somebody real. Know what I mean?
Therefore, I have a new candidate to offer. Sure, she doesn’t have a chance in Hell but this is my blog and it’s filled with all my other fantasies, so why not this one?
I give you Zelda. And who is Zelda, you may be asking? Obviously, she’s my friend. She’s funny in a goofy, absent-minded sort of way. And she doesn’t suffer fools gladly. Good start, don’t you think? She’s, self-sufficient, can drive any vehicle known to man, has all her survivalist gear (for the ultimate Armageadon) in place and ready to roll when the time comes, has a big-ass Blazer which she calls Chomp, is very smart, logical, has a buttload of common sense and makes her living telling other people what to do. And they pay her a lot of money to do so.
What kind of platform will she run on? Why CHANGE of course. Change is the buzzword of the new millenium and we (of course, I’d be her campaign manager, right?) intend to take advantage of change for all it’s worth. Change what? Why everything of course. Once upon a time politicians promised a ‘chicken in every pot’ (I think this was during a time when people were living on spam and white bread), Zelda will:
1. promise to take all the chicken-shits and put them in a pot.
2. She’ll get rid of the IRS in favor of a National Sales Tax – sure a lot of useless government workers will be thrown out of work and nobody will be able to milk the tax issue anymore, but we like to live dangerously.
3. Public Schools will become a thing of the past. Property owners will no longer finance schools that act as babysitters and teach children nothing but how to waste time. School will be voluntary and only those who want to learn will be allowed to go to school. People who want their children to go to school will have to pay for it, but since they will only be paying consumption tax, they will have a lot more disposable income and besides their kids will actually be learning something, so it’s a win-win situation.
4. Stupid people will be forced to work at places like McDonald’s, Burger King and El Pollo Loco. They will not be paid minimum wage because there will be no such thing. They will be paid whatever said businesses feel they are worth. Which should result in a surge of young people wanting to learn and return to school so they can get jobs that actually pay them enough to live on.
5. People who are afraid to drive will have to walk, take busses, cabs or get rides from friends. The morning and evening rush hours will become a thing of the past. Which will result in fewer accidents and lower insurance rates.
6. Newspapers and news outlets will be held to the truth. They will be fined for every falsehood they publish, promote or forward. Consequently, there will be fewer newspapers and news outlets and people will be thrown out of work. Which is okay, because there are plenty of positions open in the Circus and Gameshow industries.
7. All road construction will be done at night, when there is no traffic and the work can be done quickly and efficiently.
8. Government workers will no longer have a union. They will work as public servants. They will not get cost of living raises, free medical, mandatory benefits, or free passes on performance. They will be fireable if they are incompetent at their jobs. They will not be able to take the case to the Supreme Court or the ACLU. If they suck, they are out.
9. Doctors will be allowed to practice medicine.
10. Cops will be able to do their jobs.
11. The southern border will no longer require border guards or fences. Instead, a canal will be constructed and filled with pirhannas, sharks, giant squid and other scary creatures. Anyone who manages to cross it will automatically have earned citizenship and we’ll call it the Lotto.
12. Congress will actually be required to attend sessions and if they don’t attend said sessions and voting periods they will be docked accordingly.
13. Congress will be required to submit a balanced budget and if they don’t they will be docked accordingly.
14. Members of Congress will not be allowed to act stupidly in public – if they do, they will be docked accordingly.
15. Hot dogs will no longer list, mouse ears, pig snout and cockroach legs as ingredients.
16. The government will no longer bail any private industry out of trouble. This may result in fewer banks, airlines, railroads, NPR, museums, utility companies, phone companies, etc. But the ones that remain will be solvent and likely far more popular.
17. Supreme Court Justices will be required to remain awake during all sessions and if they don’t will be docked accordingly.
18. Animal cruelty will still be against the law, however, animals will not get the right to vote.
19. Hypocrites will be fined and ordered to rehab until they have only one face and no longer speak out of both sides of their mouths.
20. Anyone who takes a hair dryer into a shower with them and turns it on, will be on their own and financially responsible for any damage caused.
So there you have it, Zelda’s platform. Any questions?