What Are People Looking For?

 

Okay, I’ve been a blogging for a few months now and so I thought it was time to take stock of why or how people end up at this blog. I’ve compiled a list of search terms from this week and listed them by category and frequency.

So, the number one reason people come to my blog is for shit. Stupid shit, funny shit, cool shit – doesn’t matter, shit is shit, right?
stupid shit
STUPID PEOPLE DOING STUPID SHIT
stupid shit to do
utterly stupid shit
cool shit jokes
really cool shit
stupid and cool jokes
really random stupid jokes
shit on my shoe jokes
funny shit
coolest shit on the internet
different days the same shit

Number two reason is apparently inspiration that is somehow connected to death. Now there must be something about all that stupid and funny shit going on here that inspires people – or some of my stuff is so depressing that only really depressed people looking for inspiration come here.
“inspirational words” “death”
inspirational words on the death of child
inspirational words of death
inspirational words death of child
inspirational words for a death in the family
inspiring words for family
how does family feels about death of loved one

Number three reason, appears to be famous people or quotes of famous people.
Helen Keller amazes me because
hemingway motivation passages
ernest hemingway
movie about a writer man’s life
mac davis songs lyrics bug
mac davis photos january 2007
hard to be humble when you are

Number four reason is current events. At last someone is actually interested in my opinion of life and the world around us and politics! Yippee!
current events on race/religion
burn in hell saddam
support the troops my watch tonight
who is the miss america of 2007 prediction
predictions botox anyone 2007
picking your presidential candidate 2007
candidate platforms for election 2008

Number five reason is American Idol. And why not?
taylor hicks meet and greet
taylor hicks favorite saying
american idol seattle popeyed man
dancing queen cover american idol
who is going to be the 2008 american idol

Number six reason is fashion advice. Cool!
how to sit in a skirt
what to wear if you have chicken legs
Why does santa wear Red
global warming underwear on line
underwear boy

Number seven is for our heroes the firefighters – God Bless em.
Firemen Prayer
the words to a firemans pray
firemen and angels
firefighter teamwork sayings

Onto reason number eight which is the search for the drama queen. Well yeah, they’ll definitely find some of that here.
drama queen phrases
belly dance drama queen
drama queen blahs
women dramatic scenes

Reason number nine is food and drink – and really what party would be complete without it?
LOTSA PASTA
what to use soup bones in
Julia Childs turkey
chivas

Number ten – living for the moment – heavy thinking mind provoking stuff. Yeah, you’ll notice first it’s the shit then it’s thinking stuff.
“live for the moment” chinese symbols
live for the moment pattern
live for the moment or plan for the future

Number eleven is the stuff I guess that appeals to the bipolar in all of us.
okay to talk to yourself outloud
I talk to myself out loud
people who make up stories and hold conversations

Number twelve the stuff that appeals to the evil creature in all of us – as relates to work of course.
tricks to pull on coworkers
birthday letters for clients
toilet office

Number thirteen is those who seek dating advice or commiseration.
manipulation sayings
when a guy asks you to sleep with him
bad date monologue

Number fourteen is taken up by the worriers amongs us.
are you a worry wart?
WORRY WART
you are a worry wart

Number fifteen seems to be looking for me personally or advice on hair, not sure.
what happened to Bad Hair Day blogger?
cartoon woman with bad hair day

Number sixteen is clearly a mistake.
good wishes thought
good wishes sayings

Number seventeen, I really don’t have a clue about this one – unless it has something to do with reader feedback or I’ve been writing posts in my sleep again.
hysterical mommy stories
“mommy and daddy wrestling”

Number eighteen proves just how sad we all are – to actually search for nothing…wow
Nothing. Nada.
No nothing, nada, zilch, zip

Number nineteen is the ever popular fat ass syndrome. This particular search item has fallen in popularity it was once quite high on the list. I’m sure it will come back in style as bathing suit season approaches.
you know you’re a fatass when
is my 11 yr old fat

Number twenty apparently is an attempt to steal the pictures that I probably stole to post on a blog.
humorous pictures head exploding
the witches prosthetics photos

Number twenty one a search for answers to the weather.
why can’t the sky be red instead of blue
sky

And finally, number twenty two which is all the other shit that people used to find my blog.
mold on a funny bone
embarrass funny mate
embarrass moment
barney more than hugs lyrics funny
morning hatred
misanthropic quotes
different words for ha ha and ho ho
funning sayings about computers
top ten things you can do with ice
wordPress crit group
poems with made-up words
writers of the show Friends
octagerian

So i guess in summary, one can only conclude that for the most part people look for my blog when they are looking for shit.

WC

Snowy California

Okay, so it’s a little late and there is no real threat of snow in California but I really liked the vid. Plus it did snow in Malibu this week – does that count?

WC

PS: Oh yeah, and apparently the video gods are letting me post videos again. Cool, huh?

Oh For a Scotch and a Pack of Cigarettes

 

Okay folks, so you want a story about my new job? Let me just tell you about my glorious day.

I got up early and got ready – determined to get there ahead of everyone else. New schedule, new commute still trying to hit it just right. And yesterday I was broiling in the office because I wore a sweater, so today just a cotton turtleneck and trousers.

Out the door and the air is like ice – 39 degrees – in California mind you. That’s really cold for us out here. Already I’m rethinking the cotton turtleneck but there’s no time so I jump in my little Chevy. But wait, what’s this? Why did it practically take two hands to turn the ignition? No radio, no heater, no lights, my ABS light is stuck on and there’s this funny smell….

Okay, clearly not getting in ahead of anyone. Drive straight to the mechanic (who I only just saw last week for one of those delux tune-up jobby-do’s) – but only the non-english speaking mechanic guy is there. The manager will be back in an hour – the owner who I’ve known for a bagillion years had just left. Nice big cold wind coming up. Hmmm…who can I call at 8:15 in the morning who won’t want to kill me? Why Zelda of course. Call home phone. No answer. Call cell. No answer. Decide to call work to tell them I will be late. No answer.

Yay, Zelda calls back. Yes she will take me to work. Be there in a few. Now with Zelda a few minutes can mean anything from 5 minutes to an hour. More standing in cold office and cold parking lot at mechanic’s. Finally Zelda arrives, I get in the car, which isn’t quite as cold as outside but not doing much to thaw me out. See Zelda doesn’t like heaters – in fact, she runs the A/C pretty much year round. So I keep my shivers to myself since she is doing me a favor.

Now I’m dreading how many bagillions of dollars it’s going to cost me to fix the car. I have visions of redoing the entire electrical system and various other stomach-churning possibilities. Enough. I throw myself into work. The place is a mess. There is stuffed crammed in every nook and cranny. Old papers, old envelopes, parts of equipment that no longer exists. Magazines, notepads, broken clipboards, Halloween decorations – pretty much everything but the fricking kitchen sink. So I spent most of the day going through all that crap. It did warm me up though – so I suppose that’s the upside.

Then I needed to talk to the bookeeper which took forever because she had to do this or that or whatever – long story short, I finally got a few minutes with her and got her on Quick Books tutorials. During which I discovered she doesnt’ know much about Quick Books and really pretty much computers. Cool, so it’s going to be a long road there.

Then the soon to be ex office manager had a fit because she didn’t get her overtime and she’s going to walk out and ooh, it’s such a drama. I mean we’re talking about $20. Right? So I told her I’d talk to Zelda cuz she was the one who put the kabosh on that – don’t even ask. So I just got off the phone with Zelda and she’s all pissed. And the other one is all pissed and it’s all on my plate anyway cuz well, it just is.

The good news is my car only needed a $50 part – a relay? And it works just fine now. I’m still alive, that’s good news. And there are only two more days left to the work week. Also good news. But Friday we’re having a little party for the ex office manager whom everyone hates and can’t wait to have go – but any reason to have cake and coffee, right?

Right now, a scotch and a pack of cigarettes would do a lot to improve my mood. I gotta tell you I’m not sure I’m cut out for this kind of crap. It’s all stupid and petty to me. I’d rather be writing. I’d rather being reading. I must be out of my mind. Oh well, maybe it will be better next week.

Though the 2nd night of American Idol tryouts is on tonight. I think I’m having a bad day? I’ll betcha there will be others who have a way worse one than me after all is said and done.

Later.

WC

The Blog Gods Are Angry!#$%@&*!

First of all let me just say this is all Bill Gates’ fault! The dawg!

Okay, I’ve been blogging for a little while now- I think I’ve learned the ropes more or less. Know how not to crash my hard-drive, or blow up my computer, can’t write code but sort kinda know what it is, right? Right. Got a photobucket account, just like my mentor told me to – learned how to download pics so they don’t look like you’ve just had a hit of acid or something. Can tag surf, check my comments, response to readers in bold, add links and blah, blah, blah. Right?

So suffice to say that given the glorious ease that WordPress gives you in blogging – I can function within the normal confines of blogging. I’m not a blackbelt or anything – but I know my way around the ol’ blogosphere. And yet….

In my adventures as a blogger I have had to actually shut down a blog and reopen it under a different name because one day I just couldn’t add categories to my posts. For you layman out there, those are ‘tags’ ‘keywords’ that people use to find subject matter on the net. I tried and tried. But there was clearly no way to trick the system – even tech support was baffled. So – okay, no big deal transfer the blog over and start again.

Then I’ve had posts just disappear. Now you see it now you don’t. Again, some sort of glitch in the cyber universe, as I’ve commiserated with others whose posts have vaporized as well.

I’ve had code that simply refused to be deleted and finally won because after two hours you just say uncle. Which resulted in half the post being in one font and the other half in another.

I’ve had regular readers end up in the spam box, rather than having their comments posted and spammers doing pingbacks, making nonsequitor posts and happily running down the halls, spraying graffitti everywhere.

Not long ago, I added a bright new blogger to my blogroll. He’s bright, funny and a pleasure to read. And I thought, what the heck, I like this guy and I’m linking him. No problem, right? Well the weird thing is that whenever I click on the link I get redirected to some weird admin link and one of those insipid messages that says basically ‘screw you, you’re not getting in.’ I’ve recently discovered that if I’m logged out I can sometimes actually access his page. Sigh. So, I’m trying Chris.

Then today – well I had this cute little post all set up about snow in L.A. and a great little vid to go with it. But nope, wasn’t going to happen. The last two hours have been chewed up trying to make it work and it just goes into download hell and never arrives.

Poor tech support, I’ve emailed them so much lately that surely I’m in their permanent spam list – and pain in the ass file. And who could blame them? I feel like that little old lady who is always bringing stuff back to the store insisting it doesn’t work but of course it works for everyone else.

So, now I’m sure of it. It is simply the Great Blog Gods in the sky. They are pissed at me. They are making me pay. They got an email from Bill Gates telling them I refuse to download yet another version of his piece-of-shit IE browser and they are conspiring against me. They’re all up there smoking cigars, counting their money, drinking beers and laughing their asses off. Trying to figure out how else they can screw with me. The rat bastards!

Well, I will not relent! I will not download that hideous browser. They can torment me all they like. I still refuse to be herded like cows into their mindless one-world order composed of all of those who must obey! (Can you hear the trumpets now?)

Give me liberty or screw you! I have not yet begun to bitch! I will prevail!

Phew…I feel better now. Have a nice day. 😉

WC

Oy Carumba, the Guilt!

Recently I’ve mentioned problems on the job front – the company I worked with for almost 3 years was having trouble. Well, I’m sorry to say that the trouble didn’t end and I have left what I affectionately called The Land of Fun.

It was a fun, easy-going place to work – since we made movie props and I guess were sorta kinda in show business, there was no end of make-believe going on. But I guess there is more than make-believe needed to keep a business going.

No worries about me, as I’ve gotten another job, which I start Monday. It’s a far cry from the Land of Fun and it will be a brand new adventure for me – or them, I guess we shall see who experiences the most surprise. 😉

I felt kind of guilty leaving my old job. We’d all become such comrades it rather felt like deserting the ship – but I had to admit that I needed to take care of me first and so left I did.

Now, I could have started my new job this week actually. I could have just jumped right into the fray and let the chips fall where they may. But, I decided (since the folks at Land of Fun didn’t require me to work out any notice) to just take a few days off.

I reasoned that there were lots of stupid, little things that needed to be done that I never seem to get around to doing. That I was some time to decompress and chill out. I wanted to go to my new job, fresh and relaxed. That I deserved a break. Because truth be told I don’t take vacations. Oh sure, I went away for a few days over Thanksgiving and as much fun as it was to see my friends, it was work. Try tagging along with a mother of three ages 9, 2 & 1 and you’ll know what I mean. Hell, I needed a vacation after the vacation.

So, okay, I’m having a little vacation. I’m catching up on sleep. Reading. Doing things around the house. Reveling in the solitude (did I mention roomie got a job?) and silence. I’ve been taking long walks with the dog – collecting bouquets of wild flowers – taking long showers, tweezing my eyebrows. Really important stuff.

Yet…the guilt. After a day and a half I started feeling like I was committing a crime. I felt like I should call my new job and confess that I was goldbricking for a few days before I decided to come in. I’m blowing off that idea the consultant had about going in on Saturday to get a little orientation. I’m not answering the phone for fear it might be someone who might want me to do something. I peer through the kitchen curtains to see if the Job Police are cruising my neighborhood, looking for layabouts.

I’ve parked my car a few houses down from mine, in case somebody I know drives by won’t think I’m home. When I go out I wear dark glasses and slouchy clothes so I won’t be recognized. I haven’t called any friends because I don’t want them to know I’m slacking. WTF is wrong with me? I mean, why the guilt?

I’ve been on my own and working for a living since I was 17. Even when I lived with my parents, I worked, bought my own clothes and textbooks, was always doing something. I’m not wired to lay around and do nothing. I mean, not that I’m doing nothing – I’m doing stuff. And it’s stuff that needs to be done but…I still feel guilty.

If I’m not out somewhere doing something, or writing about something or reading about something then I feel like I’m letting my fellow man down. Why can’t I simply enjoy my sloth week? Why can’t I revel in being bad. In being lazy. In doing nothing? Why????????

Do you think it has anything to do with being raised Catholic? I man people always say that the Jews have the corner on guilt but maybe they haven’t had any run ins with the Nuns. The ones who give you the look. You know the look? The one that can put a crease in your slacks, while you’re wearing them? The one that can make you pray for forgiveness even if you haven’t done anything? I’m telling you – the guilt, the guilt, the guilt. I can’t take it anymore!

Gotta go…somebody is lurking outside my house and I’m afraid they can hear the keys tapping.

WC

Time To Embarrass Mom…

Sorry folks, I just couldn’t resist – it was too funny not to post. In fact, believe it or not, it reminds me of a real life story from my childhood and it goes like this…

One winter morning (I was about 13) my little brother, CE was outside with his buddy Jimmy playing war. No big deal because he was always outside playing with Jimmy no matter the weather, much as you would expect of an 8 year old.

My bedroom was in the back of the house and had a back door, with a window, that led out to the back yard. Mom and I were in my room chatting about something or another and for some reason Mom looked out side. All the color drained from her face and see ran to the door and pulled it open. She screamed for my brother to come in immediately.

I had no idea what was going on or why my mother was so non-plussed but was quite intrigued. My little brother hurried inside and said, ‘What’s the matter?’

I almost died. Around his head he had wrapped a kotex, which he also colored with ketchup or something red and I suppose he was make believing it was a head bandage or something, given that he was playing war.

I had to keep digging my nails in my closed hand to keep from laughing out loud. So it went like this:

Mom: What is that on your head?

CE: It’s a bandage.

Mom: Where did you get it?

CE: (pointing to me) Her closet.

Mom: Take that off right now!

CE: Why?

Mom: Because I said so!

CE: Oh man!

Mom: Right now, young man!

He took it off and handed it to her and she almost passed out.

Me: What’s that red stuff?

CE: Ketchup.

That was it, I fell over laughing and even Ma joined in. We couldn’t even speak much less answer all of my brother’s demands to know what was so funny.

Nothing like making the most of what you’ve got, eh?

Life is funny sometimes, doncha think?

WC

Really Stupid Shit

 

Since the internet is filled with stupid shit, I thought I’d get in on the act. Hence my favorite stupid shit, and stupid shit that is just stupid:

Favorite stupid saying: You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose but you can’t pick your friend’s nose. (How come?)

Favorite stupid movie: Monty Python’s Holy Grail. I especially love the horses they use and their many special effects.

Favorite stupid food: Artichoke, steamed with mayo for dipping. This is a stupid food because 1) who the hell figured out you could eat it? 2) who the hell figured out how to cook it so you could eat it 3) and  how did anybody convince anybody that you should all sit around an artichoke, pulling off leaves, dunking it in mayo and the scrape the meat off the leaves?

Favorite stupid sign:

Favorite stupid car: The original VW Bug. First of all, who wants to drive something called a bug? It conjures visions of motorized cockroaches or something. Then there is the engine in the back. And of course, the ever popular heating system (has anyone ever felt warm on an icy day in a VW Bug?).

Favorite stupid song: Weird Al Yankovich’s “Eat It.” Nuff said.

Favorite stupid website: Stupid.com – yep there really is a website by this name and you can check it out here. In fact, I purchased many stupid Christmas gifts from them this year and they were a hit. Don’t believe me? Ask Michael at Smoke & Mirrors.

Favorite stupid dance: The pony. For those of you who have never heard of this dance or seen it performed, see if you can find some old American Bandstand reruns. It’s worth it and hysterically funny.

Favorite stupid children’s character: Barney the purple Dragon. Not only is he huge and purple but he is butt-ugly. If I were a kid I’d be afraid of that sucker. And also somebody needs to work on the lyrics for his songs.

Favorite stupid tv show: Friends. A bunch of 20-somethings (who are really a lot older than that) have adventures in the big city. They are all struggling, lost, have career and life issues but live in a really cool apartment in the village, dress in all the latest fashions, go to fancy restaurants for dinners and have problems like jellyfish bites, whether or not to kiss Rachel, getting rid of annoying girlfriends and sibling rivalry. Great fun.

Things that are just stupid:

1. Bicyclists can ride on the open road but cars can’t drive on bike paths.

2. Joggers jog to become more fit and healthy but jog along heavily traveled roads – can you say carbon monoxide?

3. People who don’t pay taxes are pissed that they don’t get refunds.

4. Indecivise customers at fast food restaraunts.

5. Diet coke & chocolate cake.

6. Frisking old ladies at airports in case they’re terrorists.

7. Road construction during rush hour.

8. Cheerleaders at pro basketball games – for that money, they don’t need encouragement to cheer – you bet your ass they’re going to.

9. Pocket protectors – you might as well just stick a post-it on your head that says “Geek & Loser.”

10. Stop signs in California (more like avoid the oncoming car, signs).

Okay – that’s about all the stupid shit I can come up with tonight. I’ll let you know if I think of anything else.

WC

Writer Chick Predicts…

You know when I was a kid I used to love to read or hear about all the crazy, whacko predictions the psychics of the day would make about the coming year. What was really hilarious was how they would (later) try so hard to make the facts of something somehow mold into a prediction they’d made.

So in the spirit of that – I, Writer Chick, shall also make a few predictions sure not to come true – and if any do, it will be purely accidental.

I predict that in 2007:

  1. Fat people will be outlawed in NYC and if apprehended with a box of oreos, booked for possession of trans-fats.
  2. Teddy Kennedy will become the new spokesperson for Jenny Craig (maybe Kirstie will lend him her old body shapers?).
  3. Global warming will cause hot, fresh pizzas to rain from the skys during hurricanes that rail for 30 minutes or less.
  4. Britney Spears will create her own underwear line called Now you see it – Now you don’t.
  5. In a tell-all book, Madonna will reveal her favorite moisturizer is embalming fluid.
  6. Al Gore will invent a hybrid vehicle that runs on gas and electricity and call it the Priestess.
  7. The ACLU will file a class action lawsuit against the State of Texas in behalf of beef cows, citing slavery and wrongful death as key points.
  8. Apple will unveil its latest innovation, the BlogPod.
  9. Stem cell researchers will successfully replicate a conscience and offer it to Hillary Clinton for beta testing.
  10. Arnold Schwartzeneger will ‘come out’ as a Democrat.
  11. Rosie O’Donnell will admit on Oprah that she is the victim of a botched sex change operation.
  12. The first transexual Miss America will be crowned.
  13. The New York Yankees will win the World Series – by accident.
  14. Scientists will discover that land masses and ice masses surrounded by water experience erosion, thereby diminishing the size of said mass.
  15. Inexpicable accidents and scandals will befall any opponents to Senator Clinton in the bid for the Democrat candidacy.
  16. Barak Obama will blame his ears on President Bush (why not? everything else is his fault.)
  17. In a daring move, CBS will replace anchorperson Katie Couric with Barney the purple dinosaur – hoping to capture the heretofore untapped demographic of oversized stuffed animals everywhere.
  18. The medical community will unanimously agree that living is dangerous to one’s healthy and Congress will pass a law that all newborns henceforth will be tatooed with the Surgeon General’s warning of same.
  19. Michael Moore will premeire his first film based on fact in his biopic called Fat Like Me.
  20. Maureen Dowd will marry Jim Gilchrist and become a born again Libertarian and start her own newspaper called North of the Border.
  21. Bob Woodward will admit on 60 Minutes that everything he has ever written is lies and promote his upcoming book, All I know is I Can’t Tell the Truth.
  22. In an attempt to increase environmental awareness, major designers will develop a machine that can make fabric out of matter recovered in landfills. And use the fabric in their new spring lines. (clothes pins will be issued to all attendees at the Spring showing.)
  23. Jimmy Carter will become the new spokesperson for Jiff peanut butter, making the claim that it has a little known use as mortar (as demonstrated in the habitat for humanity model homes).

and finally….

We’ll all be going to Hell in a handbasket. 😉

Okay, those are my predictions…anyone care to offer some of theirs?

Hard to be Humble…All Hail Mrs. America!

Oh Lord it’s hard to be humble when you’re perfect in every way… I can’t wait to look in the mirror, cuz I get better lookin’ each day…To know me is to love me – I must be a heck of a Nan…Oh Lord, it’s hard to be humble but I’m doing the best that I can..(please forgive me Mac Davis 😉 )

Well there she is folks, Ms. America…oh yeah. This pop-eyed, botoxed, nasty, mean bagillionaire is now the Speaker of the House. According to Drudge (or somebody) the most powerful woman in the world – Uh – duh! doesn’t she know Hillary owns that title? Could be problems in her future. Yep, this demon-crat has got her pitchfork ready and her first target is your wallet.

Aren’t you ever so glad that you decided to teach the Republicans a lesson? Well if you’re not yet, you surely will be soon.

While she is standing at podiums and appearing on talk shows gushing about how she’s made a monumental strike for woman-kind by ‘breaking the marble ceiling’ in American politics (jeez-louise, who the hell writes her speeches?) – her accountant is madly working on what tax shelters he can hide her bagillions in for her tax return. While she is expounding the virtues of raising the minimum wage, she is refusing in her own business to hire union workers and instead employing illegal aliens – lest she doesn’t take too bad a cut on her bottom line. While she is damning places like WalMart, who provide a service for lower income families, not to mention jobs – she and her cronies are figuring out how we can actually get Hillary’s universal healthcare in place. Of course that means somebody is gonna have to pay for it. Hmmmm….I wonder who?

Something tells me it isn’t going to be Nan, Teddy or Harry. Naw…they have bagillions and intend to keep it all. They can spend our tax dollars with wild abandon though – yep, better start stuffing your mattress now cuz you may need it in order to fund all the ‘free’ healthcare for people who feel the ‘government’ can pay for all the stuff they need. Of course, we are actually the government. Get it?

Hail the Queen of the May. Mrs. Speaker. The most powerful woman in the world. Oh yeah – she’s sure is the symbol of America huh? I know I can identify with her and use her as a role model. I think I’m gonna run right out and buy me an ugly red suit and some botox injections – cuz when I grow up, I wanna be just like her.

Let the games begin.

WC