Ten things the 2016 election cycle has ruined for me

election-2016

I’ll admit that I’m a bit of a political junkie but I try to keep my inner junkie inside most of the time. However, come election time she scratches her way out to join in all the fun. This year was especially something to look forward to because well, it wasn’t going to be the same old same old. Right? And just when I thought I might really enjoy this election cycle, not only did things go off the rails, there are no freaking rails.

And instead of all the fun I looked forward to, the cycle has simply ruined things for me. Following is my list:

The color orange. It’s not that orange was my favorite color but now I can’t look at it without seeing Trump’s orangey pink skin. You’d think that “one of the richest men in the world” could afford a better tanning bed, spray tan and make up artist. He probably should stop purchasing his products in CHYNAH.

Cheetos. And other favorite orange food—dreamsicles, tangerines, papaya, mangoes, orange lifesavers, orange Jell-O – and I can’t even look at raw chicken.

cheetos-crunchy-cheese

The word great. Likewise the words: terrific, fantastic, really, winning, best, hell even the word, word has lost all charm and appeal. And liar, loser and lying have virtually no meaning anymore either.

Election years. I have always enjoyed presidential election years because of the drama, surprises and unpredictable situations you never see coming. This year however, it is nothing but a flat out slug fest between candidates, supporters and media outlets. It’s ugly and keeps getting uglier. Even when you think you’ve hit rock bottom, somebody unearths a new bottom. And it’s about as much fun as root canal without anesthesia.  Although we got a little comic relief when the Libertarians added live stripping to their convention. What’s next? Lap dances by candidates?

The myth that most people have common sense. Seriously, can anybody believe that common sense is a live and well in America when the presumptive candidates are the two most reviled people in the country?

 

Taco salads. This picture: taco salad
Is he going to eat that thing or molest it? Either way, feeling pretty sorry for the salad, no matter its fate.

Hair. Whether it’s the old man comb-over, the grandma shellacked bullet head, or the Muppet style shag, all hairstyles are dead to me now.

candidate hair

Facebook. Social media always has political stuff but generally is easy to scroll right past. And I’ll get in there sometimes and bat things around myself. But this year it is wall to wall and there’s no scrolling past it. That’s all that is in my feed. From erroneous, crazy, gross, vile memes, to trolls swarming, name calling, to non-stop propaganda on every topic under the sun – it’s a jungle out there.

The Internet. I used to love the Internet. Each day when you logged on you never knew what you were gonna get. These days though you can’t swing a dead politician without hitting a story or meme on trump, trumpers, trumperism, trump tweets, trump train, anti-trump, nevertrump, alwaystrump, “what’s trump done this time?,” neverhillary, onlyhillary, who’s hillary?, indict hillary, feeling berns…. Where are those cute cat videos that used to be so popular?

Reality TV. It’s not that I’m a big fan of reality TV but I once found it somewhat amusing. But since reality TV is running for president, the spoofy goofy nature of the medium isn’t quite as funny. And definitely amusing. And I find myself constantly muttering, “Is this a joke?”

What about you? Are you sick of this already? Has this election business ruined stuff for you? Are you looking for good cat videos? Feel free to add to the list or voice your gripes in the comments. The election cycle isn’t even close to over yet folks, and we’ve got a long five months ahead of us – give us strength.

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Politics, mob rule and social media—what I’ve learned

rascals-74008_640

So in the last few weeks I’ve been paying attention to politics on Facebook. I’d been very intentionally ignoring it up til then because we were miles away from the actual election and I don’t need to decide what I believe in since I already know.

So one day, a few weeks ago, I started to actually look at the political stuff in my feed, scan the articles, read some of the comments and move on. It was intense. I mean, I’ve been a political junkie on and off for many years but things were more intense than I’d seen them since people in Florida were counting chads.

As is my habit, I made a general statement/observation about a certain set of supporters of a certain candidate. To me it was light, somewhat humorous and meant to illicit a laugh. Instead I was attacked. This not only stunned me but made me reexamine my statement to see if it’d been really inflammatory. Nope. Still seemed relatively mild to me. And then from there, I was hooked and frankly until the last couple of days, haven’t come up for air.

So after my foray into the depths of the political trenches I’ve learned the following:

  1. Some of your friends are willing to toss you aside for a stranger who makes promises they can’t keep.
  2. People can become so invested in someone they are willing to call you every and any name in the book including skank, whore, bitch, and worse.
  3. The anonymity of the Internet emboldens people to spew hatred, vitriol and insanity everywhere they travel.
  4. Some people will believe absolutely anything despite a mountain of facts that categorically disprove that belief.
  5. There is no low too low for some people.
  6. Logic often has no place in politics and frequently is the first victim to be thrown under the bus.
  7. Some people are more than happy to ruin others’ lives simply because the do not agree with them.
  8. Free speech is relegated, apparently, to only the chosen few.
  9. Fairness, objectivity, and truth is a matter of opinion.
  10. You cannot convince an angry person of anything.
  11. To some, winning justifies any tactic, no matter how abhorrent, despicable and dirty.
  12. Many people don’t actually do any research on the candidate they champion and when that is pointed out, you better be wearing full body armor.
  13. There are a lot of angry people out there who are misdirecting their anger at total strangers on the Internet.
  14. I long for the days when cute cat videos were the most popular thing on the Internet.
  15. Apparently anybody can run for president these days and people will treat them like they know what they’re talking about. Hey – maybe I should run.
  16. I trust my dog more than most politicians.
  17. Going to a political rally is a lot more dangerous than it used to be.
  18. Orange has become a really popular color – not with me, I look terrible in orange.
  19. According to the polls, the presumed candidates for the November election are two of the most disapproved of people in America.
  20. So far, nobody has attacked any candidates’ pets, but give it time.

How about you? Enjoying the current political happenings? Have you been trolled, flamed, attacked or is it just a barrel of laughs as far as your concerned? Learned anything or is just politics as usual? Feel free to observe, vent or yammer in the comments.

 

Peace out, Writer Chick

9 Reasons machines will never take over the world

Are you a sci-fi fan? Maybe you read so much sci-fi that you’ve begun to feel a terrible distrust of machines. After all, they are going to take over the world someday right? I mean, humans are so blasé and breakable. And they have all those pesky emotions. Why wouldn’t emotionless ‘logical’ machines kick our butts and take over the world?

Well, rest assured I don’t think we’re in any serious danger because…

1. They break. I don’t care how cool a machine is or how many bells or whistles it has – someday it will break. And at the most inconvenient time. I mean think about it, all it takes is a crappy power supply and your computer just lays there. Machines are not indestructible.
2. They are only as smart as the human that made them. Even the most brilliant humans in the world don’t understand the human brain/mind. Therefore they cannot replicate it and put it into a machine. They can load it up with facts and data. But as they say information is not knowledge. It just gives you an edge in Trivial Pursuit.
3. They have no common sense. No matter how hard Bill Gates and other software developers have tried, they have yet to create software that is truly intuitive. What passes for intuitive is usually intrusive. Machines cannot anticipate what humans will do. And there is no software that can either.
4. They are no match for mother nature. Just leave any machine out in the Mojave Desert for a week and see what happens. Or drop it in the ocean for a few days. Leave it outside during a hurricane. Or drop it in the middle of a forest fire. See my point?
5. They have no sense of humor. Everybody knows that in order to survive on this planet you have to be able to laugh at yourself. If not you will go stark raving mad. A machine has no ability to see humor much less replicate it or ‘feel’ it.
6. They have no charisma. If you can’t turn on the charm how are you going to persuade anyone to do what you want?
7. They can be turned off. Although humans can be stopped it usually takes a bullets, drugs or some other considerable force to turn them off. Machines are all built with on/off switches. And power sources. Cut the switch or the power and they become a pile of parts.
8. They can’t think. While some might argue that we already have machines that think for us and there seems to be some empirical data showing that, the truth is a machine can only make computations based on whatever data it may contain. Humans have thousands of thoughts a minute, probably millions a day – but not based on data alone. It’s combination of data, perception, experience and knowledge.Machines are not sentient and can’t do that.
9. Humans won’t let them. No matter what others may say or think about this thing called the human race, one thing is for sure – we want to survive. It may be that humans have the strongest survival instinct of any living creatures. If you just look at history and what humans have survived and in fact triumphed over, it should give you pause. And even though there may be a lot of sheeple in the world who might surrender to a machine takeover, there are enough of us who would say hell no and kick their asses.

How about you? Afraid machines are taking over the world? How do you think they might do it? Feel free to espouse your theories in the comments.

WC

Good News! The official marshmallow roasting rules are here!

roasting marshmallows

So the Forest Department has put out a detailed list of rules and instructions on roasting marshmallows. Thank God, because since we’ve only been roasting marshmallows over camp fires since there were marshmallows and camp fires, I’m sure we need a bit of a brush up.

So for your Labor Day weekend enjoyment, I’m going to channel my inner gubbermint worker and read between the lines for you and tell you what they really mean:

1. First of all, you’re too fat and marshmallows are empty calories, so don’t roast the dang marshmallows in the first place. Instead roast fruit, soy nuts, or tofurky (refer to First Lady’s acceptable campfire eating list on our website.).

2. If you must roast marshmallows because of some dagnabbit  Christian-Judeo tradition that you claim is in the Bible, at least use the sugar-free, soy version that tastes like toilet paper and comes in a US approved recyclable package.

3. Be sure to remove the marshmallows from the package before roasting. Campfires are not like microwaves and you cannot put a packaged product into the fire without potentially causing harm.

4. Be sure to use a government approved stick. Many of our trees are endangered and we must not sacrifice them so you can have a roasting stick to make a completely unhealthy snack that we advise against in the first place. Check the endangered stick list on our website or download our convenient acceptable stick app that will glow green when you find the right kind of stick. Better yet, bring your own roasting implement so you don’t unnecessarily use up our limited natural resources you selfish marshmallow roasting bigot.

5. Do not put the marshmallow on the end of your finger and stick it in the fire. Direct contact with fire will hurt like the dickens and Obamacare does not cover self inflicted burn wounds.

6. Be sure to bring enough marshmallows that will feed more than your camping party. After all, not everybody has the luxury of marshmallows and since you do, you must offer your fair share of free marshmallows to the homeless and the poor should they happen upon your campsite. Because that’s the right thing to do you selfish, over-consuming snack gobbler.

7. Be sure to register as a marshmallow roaster with the Forestry Department and have your registration ready if a forest ranger should happen by and demand to see it. If you are found roasting marshmallows without the proper registration you may be fined up to $200,000 and be required to do a minimum of 200 hours of community service.

8. Remember marshmallow roasting may cause forest fires, spew smoke into our already clogged air so you should reconsider roasting your dang marshmallows and roast what we think is better for you and have on our approved list of snacks you selfish junk food bigot.

9. In fact, instead of going camping, we prefer you reduce your carbon footprint by staying home, preparing a meal of tasty raw fruits and vegetables and watching the PBS special on reducing your carbon footprint. You’ll save gas, calories and possible fines and jail time too.

10. From all of us at the National Forestry Department, we wish you a safe, low calorie, non-carcinogenic, politically correct Labor Day Weekend.

Okay, just in case somebody out there doesn’t realize this is satire, I’m going to say, this is satire. However, no gubbermint workers were harmed in the writing and posting of this article.

Happy Labor Day Weekend folks. And save a s’more for me.

Writer Chick
Copyright 2014

Truth, Justice & the American Way – Meh…Not So Much…

Well it had to happen sooner or later, didn’t it?  SuperMan is officially a one-world-order-global warming-UN loving- drone. I think super heroes everywhere should be shaking their heads and rolling their eyes. Don’t you? I mean seriously what other country would super heroes have come from? Russia, China, Iran? Come on folks, superhero-dom is uniquely American – there is no other government on Earth that would stand for it, is there?

I had to laugh though, that StuporMan decided to make his announcement at the UN – maybe he’s more assured that he won’t get beaned with some rotten tomatoes there? Could be.  Oh well, Stupor Man go and be free and live in the one world order of mediocrity – in fact, take all  your p.c. friends with you – we Americans won’t mind one bit.

Random Thoughts #137

Anyone who thinks democracy is driving the events in Egypt may be interested in a bridge I have for sale.

Apparently the EPA now regulates milk spills – does that cover baby throw-up?

Why would apparent Mubarak supporters threaten Christiane Anampour based on her being and American when she is British?

Obama hearts Reagan? Really? So the biggest dem in world loves the old man, warmonger, idiot, economy wrecker? Nice try Time Mag but this makeover isn’t going to stick.  And why do Democrat presidents keep channeling past presidents? Out of ideas?

Great the TSA agents have the nod to unionize – now we’ll never get rid of them.

McCain has officially lost the last piece of his mind.

So what would really happen if the government shut down for a few days? We’d get fewer laws passed? Less Obama speeches? No Robert Gibbs on the news? Sounds like a win-win to me.

Chuck Schumer apparently didn’t attend the reading of the Constitution on opening day of the new congress.

Democratic – adjective. Democrat – noun. It is the Democrat party, not the democratic party.

It’s really snowing in Texas. Damn that global warming!

How can Verizon call its new phone and iPhone – isn’t that what Mac calls theirs? Now there are two iPhones?

If the president can get a kill switch for the internet, can internet users get a kill switch for the government?

Can’t wait for this movie to come out – should be pretty appropriate about now.

The future is not ours to see—2011 predictions

Once again, we are on the precipice of a new year and the predictions are coming in fast and furious. In just a quick perusal I found that people are predicting everything from an intentional Republican strategy of maintaining terrible conditions to a live suicide by a politico on TV. Never-the-less I will share my predictions for the coming year, if for no other reason than to entertain and amuse.

Writer Chick predicts that in 2011….

1. Obama, at a loss for winning phrases and a decent speech writer will turn over the State of the Union address to Warren Buffet and Bill Gates. After Obama excuses himself to go to party, his stand-ins will tout the merits of higher estate taxes and zero population growth policies and detail the positive impact they will have on the still floundering economy.
2. Julian Assange will file a personal injury lawsuit against his ‘enemies’ for leaking personal and private information about him. Stating that when it comes to leaking information about him, such actions are immoral and unethical and he has been irreparably damaged by the leaks.
3. Despite record breaking rainfall in California the ‘water police’ will begin issuing tickets to Californians who water backyard gardens, house plants and tiny lawns. Although those growing medicinal marijuana will be exempted from such citations.
4. Six months into his new term as governor, Jerry Brown will surreptitiously start a recall campaign to have himself removed from office and replaced by a Republican. When the sh*t hits the fan Republicans will be blamed and the Democrats will appear to be the victims of the whole mess.
5. First Lady Michelle Obama will publish a new children’s book called,  A children’s guide to the new living, breathing constitution. Amendments Mrs. Obama will encourage children to lobby for include:
a. The right to be force-fed vegetables
b. The right not to be fed fast food
c. The right to sue and blame your parents for everything you do that is wrong and irresponsible.

6.  During an enhanced pat down, a TSA agent will cut her finger on a bobbie pin in a female passenger’s hair. The cut will require an extra large band aid and the TSA will subsequently declare that all hair pins & accessories to be potential weapons and prohibit passengers from bringing them on board. Individuals donning toupees, wigs and hair extensions will be forced to remove the hair pieces for special scanning before being allowed to wear them on board an airplane.
7. A new spate of Wikileaks documents will reveal:
a. Homeland Security Chief Napolitano is really a man
b. That Nancy Pelosi hasn’t had a heartbeat for years
c. That George Soros and Warren Buffet are twins separated at birth
8. Israel will finally get fed up with all the grief it gets and wipe Iran off the map.
9. American companies will make a mass exodus from China due to new global warming taxes extended only to American business concerns and will return their manufacturing to America, where at least people speak English.
10. In a total twist of irony, Oprah Winfrey will challenge Obama for the Democrat nomination for 2012.
11. The 112th Congress will evict the UN for years of non-payment of rent and sell the building to Donald Trump who will have his “Apprentice” contestants compete to re-purpose the building.
12. Science will discover that in fact there is life on other planets and living right here on Earth.  The extraterrestrials who are like us will be found to be working for Congress.
13. Facebook will obtain eBay, Skype, Twitter and all other major social media platforms. Shortly after the acquisitions the government will sue Facebook for monopolizing social media and force a break up of the conglomerate – after levying extensive fines.
14. Google will enter the political arena with a new and progressive political pay per click advertising platform, among the unique features offered with this program will be a gps locating system that can isolate heretofore unknown voting blocs.

How about you, what are your 2011 predictions?

WC
Copyright 2010

SantaBama

Yes, indeed, yet another Christmas parody for your amusement. Since our president seems to be in such a giving mood, I thought adapting this Christmas classic to reflect his generosity was appropriate. And really Santa Baby translates so well into SantaBama, doncha think?

SantaBama (to the tune of Santa Baby)

SantaBama, slip a freebie under the tree, for me
I’ve been an awful good girl
SantaBama, and hurry down to Congress tonight

SantaBama, an out-of-space budgetary coup, from you
I’ll wait up for you dear
SantaBama, and hurry down to Congress tonight

Think of all the grants I’ve missed
Think of all the wants that you could assist
Next year I could be oh so good
If you’d pay for my Christmas list
Boo doo bee doo

Barry honey, I wanna smoke my pot and really that’s
Not a lot
I’ve been a libbie all year
SantaBama, and hurry down to Congress tonight

Bama cutie, there’s one thing I really do need, the deed
To a GM factory
SantaBama, and hurry down to Congress tonight

SantaBama, I’m filling my stocking with unemployment checks
Sign your ‘X’ on the line
SantaBama, and hurry down to Congress tonight

Come and trim my Christmas tree
With entitlements bought with bribery
I really do believe in change
Let’s see if you believe in me
Boo doo bee doo

SantaBama, forgot to mention one little bone, a loan
I don’t mean to pay
SantaBama, and hurry down to Congress tonight

Hurry down to Congress tonight
Hurry down to Congress tonight

What do you want from SantaBama?  Hurry I think the lameduck session may already have adjourned.

WC