Random Christmas Thoughts #56

I don’t know about you but some of the weirdest thoughts I have pass through my mind during the Christmas season, such as…

1. Does my dog know it’s Christmas or is she simply traumatized by being dressed up as a reindeer? Can PETA sue me for that?
2. Is Rupdolph the red-nosed reindeer green enough? What kind of carbon footprint does a shiny red nose leave? Come to think of it, Al Gore’s nose seems pretty red.
3. Is Santa an equal opportunity employer? I mean how many of his reindeer are girls?
4. What would happen to Christmas if the elves unionized?
5. Will Santa need a federal bailout if the polar ice caps melt too much? Is he too big to fail?
6. Why do people shake Christmas packages to find out what’s in them? Are they just budding TSA agents?
7. Is Santa gluten intolerant? Will the 1st Lady’s food initiative outlaw leaving cookies and milk for a clearly obese individual (for his own good)?
8. When will some screwball politician propose a don’t ask, don’t tell policy for Christmas?
9. Why must banks refrain from displaying Christmas symbols because it shows a bias toward certain customers when the tellers speak spanish, chinese, russian and other languages toward certain customers?
10. Will the naughty or nice list be outlawed because it penalizes a group of disenfranchised citizens?
11. If Christmas displays can be shut down because it offends non-Christmas enthusiasts, why can’t mosques be shut down because it offends non-jihad enthusiasts?
12. If there is supposed to be a separation of church and state, why does the White House have a Christmas tree? Why do the administrative staff have Christmas parties? And why did the president of the United States abandon his own press conference to attend a Christmas party? And why is the first family going on Christmas vacation? (Oh yeah, and how much you want to bet that all federal employees get Christmas bonuses too?)

Anyway…what kind of random Christmas thoughts do you have?

WC

copyright 2010

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Ten Headlines I Don’t Want to See on Drudge

If you’re like me, one of your guilty pleasures is hitting the Drudge website a couple of times of day to see the latest and greatest headlines. Some of us are even addicted enough that if we don’t get our Drudge fix on a daily basis we get all jittery and floopy.

However, over the last couple of years some of headlines have bordered on the ridiculous. Perhaps it’s the constant, non-stop news cycle but it seems that Drudge is a little hard up for titillating headlines and opts for anything that might get anyone’s attention. A little disappointing for me, since it used to be that Drudge was a true source of inspiration for blog posts and commentary.

So Matt, if you’re reading, following are some headlines I’m really hoping you aren’t considering:

1. Old People Still Do It and Here’s How…(Seriously Jane, haven’t we learned enough about what goes on in your sick little mind?)
2. The Top Ten Airport Scanner Naked Images (Haven’t we seen enough anonymous individual’s junk yet?)
3. Joe Biden Proven to Actually Have an IQ (Found during full body scan)
4. Oprah Has Lap Band Surgery Live on her Show (The woman has no shame and will go to any length to celebrate victim hood and we should stop enabling her.)
5. The First Couple Kisses Under the White House Mistletoe (Caution: Tongue Involved)
6. Live! Mel Gibson Drunken Psycho Video (We get it, he’s a bigot and people are making him pay for it.)
7. Charlie Sheen on the Set of Girls Gone Wild (We get it. he’s a misogynistic horn dog.)
8. Obama Does Extended Pat-Down of Michelle to Show They Aren’t That Bad (Although it might be a nice change to see him groping someone other than the American taxpayers)
9. Nancy Pelosi to Play Santa in Annual San Francisco Christmas Parade (She’s already scary enough, no need to terrorize children too.)
10. Anything with the word shock in it. (Practically every day we see the word shock and frankly the word shock is losing its shock value.)

Ten Headlines I’d like to see on Drudge

Conversely, the following are headlines I’d probably love to see on Drudge. Although I won’t hold my breath…

1. Al Gore slapped with carbon fines for excessive flatulence. (Cows aren’t the only ones who stink up the environment.)
2. David Letterman tell all memoir reveals he knows he is not funny. (If he would just admit and join a program…)
3. TSA Finally Decides to use Criminal Profiling to Ferret out Terrorists. (I know, I know, a government agency doing something that makes sense, truly a  pipe dream.)
4. Full Body Scanners Removed from Airports and Relocated to Border Crossings.  (Finally, some real bang for our buck.)
5. We Don’t Care Who Won Dancing With the Stars.  (No, really we don’t.)
6. Unions Deemed Unconstitutional by Supreme Court.  (Oh well, there goes the Democrat majorities.)
7. California Demands a Recall of Governor Jerry Brown.  (You think I’m kidding but I’m not.)
8. American Farmers no Longer Paid Not to Grow Crops. (What a novel idea.)
9. Government Memo Instructs all Government Employees to Pay Back Taxes or Lose Their Jobs. (Equality is what I’m talking about.)
10. Nobel Committee Recalls Obama’s Award. (What we thought was going to happen didn’t, so we changed our mind.)

Bonus headline:

Government deems no business too big to fail. (That’s what I’m talking about!)
How about you? What headlines do you or don’t you want to see? Feel free to add to the list.

WC

copyright 2010

You Might be a Candidate for a Pat-down if…

Wow, lots of hoopla about current airport security measures of late. I have to say that they do seem extreme. In their rush not to be racially profiling, it seems the TSA has taken it to an absolute fault. Frisking nuns, children, and even teddy bears, when as far as I can tell they don’t fit the profile. Boy them terrorists must really be laughing at us pretty hard. I mean for an actual young, adult male of middle-eastern descent to be pulled for an extended search, he would have to shave his beard and body hair, exchange his turban for a baseball cap, bleach his hair and don designer sunglasses.

Based on recent reading I’ve developed a list of what might make a merry traveler raise the red flag for the ol’ pat-down – you might be a candidate for a pat-down if…

1. You look harmless, excessively white or Christian.
2. You refuse to give up your binky and teddy bear while walking through the metal detector.
3. You use a walker or are wheelchair bound.
4. You voice concern about being radiated by the full body scanners.
5. You’re a young, beautiful college student and your dad appears to be a Republican.
6. You’re dressed as a pilot or a flight attendant.
7. You’re too old and/or frail to raise your arms over your head whilst spread eagle.
8. You express distress over a complete stranger seeing your naked image on a monitor (forget about asking if they destroy the images and how you might verify that).
9. You’re under three feet tall and don’t have a strong lobby in Washington D.C.
10. You’re a pretty, inquisitive, conservative radio talk show host.
11. You tell an agent not to touch your junk.
12. You argue about giving up your four ounce bottle of sunblock.
13. You have artificial body parts, surgical pins, prosthesis, pace-maker or a navel ring.
14. You are wearing a skirt or other bulky clothing (middle eastern garb excepted).

Conversely, you are probably pretty safe from a pat-down if…

1. You carry a prayer rug with you.
2. You are a young adult male of middle-eastern descent.
3. You are wearing a burkah or a face mask.
4. You adjust yourself because the gunpowder in your boxers is really irritating your nads.
5. You speak little to no english and are wearing sand-encrusted sandals.
6. You have goats milk in your sippy cup.
7. You call the TSA agent a white, American devil.
8. You seem disoriented and are muttering to yourself about the great satan.

I don’t know about you but I won’t be flying the unfriendly skies for a while. Until security is about security rather than incompetence – about pro-action rather than reaction – I think I’ll just take a bus or something.

How about you – like those pat downs? Are you that lonely? And feel free to add to the list.

copyright 2010

Why Democrats are Going Down

Even a year ago I doubt few of us would have predicted the current political climate. From voter anger, to bagillion dollar deficits, and a corn-dawg loving first lady preaching about obesity – I’d venture that even fiction writers couldn’t have made this stuff up.

Like it or leave it, I think the libbies are going down this year and with a thud. While pollsters are hedging their bets, as well as candidates and political talking heads I’m coming out and saying the libbies are gonna get seriously spanked in the upcoming mid-terms. Following are a list of reasons why I think this…

The democrats are doing down because…

1. Michelle is trying to take away our Big Macs ‘n’ fries. Americans do not like to be told what to eat. It stems from countless mothers chiding children to eat their green beans because there are starving children elsewhere. Like any normal child the response to such logic is, ‘so what?’ Michelle taking on the mantle of the Mommy of the nanny state just isn’t playing well in Boise.

2. Pelosi’s latest plastic surgery is just too scary. While I’ll admit there are countless things about Pelosi that are scary, her permanent Halloween mask has even the true believers looking away.

3. Roe v. Wade, global warming, and the race card just doesn’t cut it anymore. Let’s face it, legalized abortion isn’t going away, people have created an entire niche market out turning soda bottles, nobody likes hybrids, and essentially now that everyone is a racist or a bigot, that card is pretty diluted. The libbies really need a new issue, one that they haven’t uttered a bagillion times before, using the same tired phrases. Something like…I don’t know…the constitutional right to have hair plugs (paid for by Obamacare of course).

4. Their rallies suck. Even free lunches and bus rides don’t seem to inspire union members to come out and carry their assigned placards.

5. They failed to learn with Al Franken that bringing comedians to Washington just isn’t funny. Colbert speaking about farm workers’ rights? Really? And picking apples or tomatoes or whatever qualifies him? Well I’ve been gardening for years…so where is my invite?

6. We’ve all learned (now that Obamacare has been passed) what’s in it.

7. George Soros has finally run out of money. Well probably not, but he apparently is sick of investing in things that bring him no return. Besides short-selling countries is more fun for him.

8. The deficit is so big we can’t count that high. Once numbers get beyond a billion it just becomes all fuzzy and our knees get weak. Quick bring me some kool aide.

9. The slogan made in China just doesn’t poll well. While we Americans like our bargains and to get our junk cheap – we don’t want to be one of China’s ill-conceived, poorly constructed products.

10. Mama grizzlies trump soccer moms. Face it buckshot will beat a soccer ball and a minivan every time.

11. Tea parties trump tea-baggers. Parties are fun, bags are for garbage.

12. People really do miss Bush. Hey, at least the guy can throw a baseball, fly a jet and has a classy wife.

13. Because it’s Bush’s fault (see above).

14. People are paying attention. If there is one thing a politician counts on is that the electorate pays little to no attention to what they are doing, enacting and legislating. Imagine the shock and dismay when the libbies learned that most of us can read and think.

15. It’s their turn. Conventional wisdom says that every mid-term, if things aren’t going peachy the party in power loses. Well there is that but then there is also the depression era unemployment numbers, record deficits (we don’t mean that in a good way), 3,000 page bills that nobody has read and general disregard for the public at large. Although this could be a golden opportunity for the libbies to play the victim card and whine and complain about how the pubbies are stopping them at every turn. Oh…that’s right, they are already doing that….

16. And finally, the democrats are going down because….they are not good enough, they are not smart enough and doggone it, people don’t like them.

How about you? What do you think? And feel free to add to the list.

Copyright 2010

Random Thoughts #124

  • Shouldn’t toilet paper really be called butt paper?
  • Does anyone else think that mail is a sexist term?
  • I blame baggy gansta pants for childhood obesity (I mean who could tell?)
  • Would anyone object to a group called the White Panthers? How about the National Association for the Advancement of White People?
  • How come a loaf of bread costs the same as a gallon of gas?
  • If our objective is to reduce unemployment, why do we keep paying the unemployed?
  • If our government can deficit spend as a matter of course, why don’t my credit card companies let me do it?
  • Do you think the people who want to build a mosque at Ground Zero will let us erect a Catholic church in Mecca?
  • How stimulating are these? Or this?
  • If time waits for no man, does it give women a break?
  • If the corrupt congressional swamp is drained why are there still so many people in it?
  • If you have low self-esteem would anybody want to steal your identity?
  • Does anybody besides the media really care that Chelsea Clinton got married?
  • How come we the People can’t get a job but the government has zero unemployment?
  • Why did it take so long to send Lindsay Lohan to jail?
  • American Idol is still on the air?
  • If the boy scouts are racist and exclusionary why isn’t the Black Caucus?
  • Is everything in the known universe still George Bush’s fault?
  • Is Robert Gibbs the unknown BeeGee?

Random political thoughts #10

Random political thoughts

1. If the Constitution is a ‘living breathing document’ because it has to ‘adapt’ to changing times as society progresses – then why is there an amendment process built right into it?
2. Now that we know Algore is a cheater too, will his stock go up (like Clinton) or go down (like Edwards)? Also, global warming kind of takes on a whole new meaning, doesn’t it?
3. Since the planet is actually cooling, once the greenies catch up will global cooling become the new global warming. And will the cold shoulder and icy behavior fall under EPA regulation jurisdiction for which the IRS can collect fines?
4. If Obama is a black man why does he sound like a whiney white guy?
5. If our government is by, for and of the people, why do none of our leaders seem like actual people?
6. Will Nancy Pelosi survive further cosmetic (and I use the term loosely) surgery?
7. Why is Hilary still running for president—don’t they get election results in outer Slobovia?
8. Since the government can’t even run a decent DMV, balance a budget, or speak without teleprompters, how can anyone believe 9/11 is an inside job?
9. If a person who thinks banning books, dictating what the public can eat, thinks that dumb laws make sense and can’t answer a direct question, how can anyone think he or she is a moderate?
10. Once we get rid of industry, private companies, cigarettes, cars, alcohol, junk food, churches, and the internet and we’re all getting everything from the government – who is going to pay for everything?
11. Why do Democrats speak of the evil of corporations and corporate campaign funds when they are openly supported by:

United Airlines
Google
Coors Brewing Company
Anheuser-Busch
Xcel Energy
Motorola
Qwest
Goldman Sachs
Ben and Jerry’s
Apple
Microsoft
BP Oil
AT&T
And pretty much every news organization in America – among others

12. Why isn’t Obama’s free healthcare, free or even affordable?
13. How much longer is everything that happens on Obama’s watch going to be George W. Bush’s fault?
14. When was Nasa’s job description changed to improving relations with Muslims? And why is the head of Nasa having interviews with Al Jazeerah? Do they own outer space or something?
15. If Obama thinks America has been arrogant by making demands of other countries, why is it okay for him to make demands of Israel?
16. Why does Planned Parenthood offer services that prevent parenthood?
17. Why does an unborn American child have no rights until it takes its first breath but an illegal immigrant has rights because they broke the law?
18. Since the Democrats have had control of Congress since 2004 how everything is always the Republican’s fault?
19. Why do public servants (e.g. government workers) have the strongest union in America?
20. Why are the Dems against corporate welfare but for social welfare? Corporations pay taxes and provide jobs – individual welfare recipients do neither.
21. If diplomacy and intelligent dialogue are the solutions, why are foreign despots still pulling the same crap, if not more?
22. If we honor and respect our veterans why are we slashing their benefits?

That’s about all I have for now. Feel free to add to the list or answer any of the questions.

WC

Cigarette – Theme Friday

Samantha stared at the pulsing cursor on her screen as it mocked and dared her to decide. Her desk overflowed with books depicting, murder, mayhem, and body disposal. And true accounts of atrocities most people would rather not know, but upon which she thrived. Samantha Smith wrote murder mysteries—the ultimate human puzzles.

Sam crushed out a cigarette in the full ashtray and pondered how much damage cigarette lighter could do to a victim.  While Sam deliberated, her villain paced and screamed from the electronic page. “Hey! What the fuck am I gonna do? Torture her with the lighter in my car or do I get a Zippo? A real man’s weapon?”

“Snap out of it girl before you climb inside that monitor?” a voice from the real world asked.

Sam felt her heart brake as her body did an involuntary jump. “Oh Jesus, Erica, how many times have I told you not to sneak up on me?” Sam wagged a finger at Erica Markum—friend and aggravator alike.

Erica snickered and her dark eyes danced. “I didn’t sneak up on you, darling. I simply walked in. Is it my fault that you’re so absorbed in whatever murder you’re plotting that you’ve gone deaf?”

“All right,” Sam smiled and easily forgave the intrusion. “Honestly, I could use a distraction.” The sound of her villain’s voice reduced to a mere nagging whisper in the back of her mind. Sam lit another cigarette and scanned her desk for the cup of coffee she’d brought into her office hours before. “Are we having lunch or something? Did I forget again?”

Erica shook her head and thumbed through one of Sam’s reference books. “Mmmm, The Poison Cookbook. That should make for some interesting recipes.”

“Then what are you doing here?”

“Just dropped in to say, hello.” Erica smiled seductively.

Sam took the book away from Erica and put it aside. She admired Erica’s long, red fingernails and pictured her at home in a novel about murder and deceit. She’d make a perfect murderess – beautiful, intelligent and manipulative. Sam let the idea percolate in her head. A definite possibility for her next female villain. Sam smiled in that writer way as the wheels turned. Click, click, and click.

Erica tensed. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Like what?” Sam asked.

“Like you’re wondering if I have a gun in my garter belt,” Erica chided.

“Am I, darling? I’m sorry. Really, I was just thinking about my story. You know how preoccupied I can get.”

Erica fidgeted with the clasp on her designer handbag. “Don’t lie to me, I know you were thinking something.”

Sam laughed. “You’re right. I was thinking . . . I was thinking what a good villain you would make.” Erica frowned. “Don’t get upset, I don’t mean literally . . . I mean for one of my stories, you know?” Erica’s frown became a grimace. Sam hurried to explain. “As a model, I mean. That you would make a good model for one of my villains . . . in a story. Oh come on, it’s a compliment really.”

Erica smiled without joy. “Oh,” she laughed. “Yes, I see. Well, thank you.”

Sam clutched a little at Erica’s reaction—she was still pissed, that was obvious. Better to change the subject. She made a big deal of routing around her desk. “Do you have a cigarette? I can’t find mine anywhere.”

Erica frowned. “You can’t find them because you smoked all of them”

“Do you have a cigarette?” Sam asked again and wondered why she and Erica were friends.

Erica dug through her bag. “So tell me, what kind of killer would I be?”

Sam shrugged. “I don’t know. Probably clever.” She leaned back in her old desk chair and envisioned Erica as murderess. “I think with panache.”

Erica’s grin was sudden and genuine. “Oooh, with panache. Really? You think?”

Sam nodded and grinned. “Yes, definitely. And your crime would be clever and unexpected. Your victim would trust you and would be utterly shocked when you finally attacked.”

Erica smiled again but it was a little creepy and Sam a shiver. “How intriguing. Why would I kill? Would I have a reason, or would it just be for kicks?”

But Sam was enjoying the game. “Good question. No, you wouldn’t do it for kicks. You’d have a reason. Jealousy probably.”

Erica looked angry suddenly and shook her head. “I would not!”

“Oh please, Erica, you know how jealous you are. Don’t you remember last summer? You thought I was having an affair with Jim? It took us weeks to convince you that you were being paranoid.”

Erica’s face clouded and she nodded. “Of course, I remember.” She pulled a pack of cigarettes from her bag and offered a smoke to Sam.

Sam snatched the smoke, lit it and took a deep drag. “Thank God!” She coughed. “Jesus, these are strong! What are they?”

“Poison, darling,” Erica smiled. “Pure poison.”

“Please, don’t start with the lectures again. I get enough of that crap from my mother. Besides, you smoke too.”

“Yes,” Erica nodded, “but in moderation. It’s not an addiction for me.”

Sam felt dizzy and put the cigarette in the ashtray. “I don’t feel right.”

Erica stroked Sam’s hair and patted her on the shoulder. “Don’t worry, darling, it won’t last long. I read it right here in your lovely book.  It says the pain passes quickly.”

Sam’s heart raced and she couldn’t focus. “What book? What do you mean?”

“I warned you about Jim. You think because I’m beautiful that I must be stupid?” Erica  waved a photograph of Sam and Jim in an intimate pose, in Sam’s face. “I know what you did.” Tears welled in Erica’s eyes but she ignored them. “Well darling, it’s all over now.”

Sam realized she’d be dead in minutes. The room faded out of focus. And she couldn’t voice the questions and defenses raging in her mind. Just before Sam’s equilibrium deserted her, she lunged for Erica but instead fell to the floor.

Erica leaned down and checked Sam for a pulse, then smiled. “Bye, bye, darling.”

Erica snubbed the burning cigarette out in the ashtray and put the butt in her pocket. “Musn’t leave evidence, must we?” Erica asked as Sam’s dead eyes stared up at her.  “I must say darling, you were right I am a clever murderess. Do you think Jim will agree?  Erica shrugged her lovely shoulders. “I guess the experts are right—smoking is hazardous to your health.”

What’s Christine smoking?

Is Clancy Jane on the back porch having a smoke?

Happy Earth Day, Week, Month, Year – from George Carlin

We lost quite the razor wit when George Carling decided to check out. Happily, many of his funniest and spot-on routines are immortalized on albums and videos. Here, George a well known liberal, gives us his surprising take on things like earth day. Be prepared to laugh your head off.

You can find the entire transcript here but below is a snippet:

Besides, there is nothing wrong with the planet. Nothing wrong with the planet. The planet is fine. The PEOPLE are fucked. Difference. Difference. The planet is fine. Compared to the people, the planet is doing great. Been here four and a half billion years. Did you ever think about the arithmetic? The planet has been here four and a half billion years. We’ve been here, what, a hundred thousand? Maybe two hundred thousand? And we’ve only been engaged in heavy industry for a little over two hundred years. Two hundred years versus four and a half billion. And we have the CONCEIT to think that somehow we’re a threat? That somehow we’re gonna put in jeopardy this beautiful little blue-green ball that’s just a-floatin’ around the sun?

The planet has been through a lot worse than us. Been through all kinds of things worse than us. Been through earthquakes, volcanoes, plate tectonics, continental drift, solar flares, sun spots, magnetic storms, the magnetic reversal of the poles…hundreds of thousands of years of bombardment by comets and asteroids and meteors, worlwide floods, tidal waves, worldwide fires, erosion, cosmic rays, recurring ice ages…And we think some plastic bags, and some aluminum cans are going to make a difference? The planet…the planet…the planet isn’t going…

So, from me and George Happy Earth Day folks. 😉 WC