Synopsize Me!

The bane of my existence of late has been the synopsis for my novel – or should I say the lack thereof? Yeah, probably. This is a puzzle for me, since generally speaking I haven’t much trouble writing anything. In my illustrious (or not so illustrious) career as a writer I have written menus, newletters, how-to articles, stock offerings, business plans, short stories, poems, novels, blurbs, ad copy, business letters and I guess pretty much anything else you can think of. Yet, this animal known as the synopsis stymies me. It sends me out to shop, pull weeds, clean baseboards, shampoo the dog, vacuum, even ironing. Anything so I don’t have to face the fact that I simply suck at these things.I’ve gone to countless websites, read countless how-to and advice articles on the thing, begged many of the writers I know for tips, tricks and advice and really to no avail. I do have one started. But you know it’s been started for quite a while now and despite constant watering and fertilization it hasn’t become a synopsis yet. Which probably means I’m actually going to have to do something about it, with it, around it.I have recently employed the help of a fellow writer and asked her to give me a deadline or something, to see if that actually helps. Well, she has given me the deadline, so she has held up her end of the bargain. And I’ve written it on a little piece of paper that I prop up against my monitor (and successfully ignore almost always), so I suppose I’ve begun to do my part. But…

Now, for those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about, a little background: A couple years ago, maybe longer, I wrote a murder mystery that was really quite a lot of fun to write. Then it sat, because…well, then there is that marketing thing that must be done. You’d think since I’ve done marketing for other people and was actually paid for it, that it’d be a snap for me to do some for myself – not so much. So, it sat some more. A few months ago I had a friend read the manuscript which sort of got me fired up again and again I was determined to do this synopsis and I did get started and about a 1/3 of the way through but then – clunk – stopped. The bitch of it is that I need the darn thing to interest agents and publishers in my novel. I can’t just send it to them with a note that says, please read. They just won’t go for that approach anymore. Too bad, but true.

So, here I sit, waiting for the synopsis faery to drop by and sprinkle some magic dust over my computer so I can wake up to a perfectly done and presentable synopsis. I am getting a little worried though, my last call to her wasn’t returned and time is zipping by.

So, now I’m going to do something that I probably shouldn’t – I’m going to tell you the deadline. That way, if you’re in a particularly naggy mood on that day you can rag my butt about whether or not it’s done. Or you can make fun of me because I am just a total synopsis slacker. Take your pick. The deadline is – June 5^th of this year (damn it!). So synchronize your watches and get those water balloons ready. Otay?

WC

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A Meme of My Own

It seems that everybody is meme-ing lately, and I thought, what the heck, I’ll try one of my own. Feel free to jump in, with lists, opinions and heck if you want to consider yourself tagged, then please feel free.

1. The nicest thing anyone ever said to me: My friend Allen told me he thought I’d be a great teacher. That’d I’d be known as ‘that really cool teacher that everybody loves.’

2. The song that never fails to get me over myself: Layla – original version.

3. Worst day of my life: The day my dad died. I was upset all day and didn’t understand why. Nearly got fired from my job and ended up sobbing in my car after work. When I got home, there was a message on my answering machine from my step-mom and of course, I knew. There would have been no other reason for her to call me, since I barely knew her and she and my dad married long after I moved to California and had a life of my own. I devastated before I even dialed the phone, which took all the strength I had. All the colors in my life, drabbed down for quite a while after that.

4. Scariest bug I ever saw: I still don’t know what it was. I was living in one of those hillside cabin type homes that are popular and plenty in L.A. It was a somewhat rustic place that we rented from an ex-hippie – but it came with a garden and a 90 step walk from the street up the hill to get to it. One night, I’m chatting with my chum, Ruthy and out from behind the couch comes this giant ant-like, albino creature that seemed to give me the hairy eyeball. My bowl of popcorn went flying and I screamed. Ruthy took her size 10 shoe and splat went the scarey bug. Still gives me shivers.

5. Weirdest exchange I’ve ever had with another human being: When I first moved to L.A., I lived in an area that was near MacArthur Park. It was a bizarre neighborhood and it provided my first real experience with bag ladies and bag men (now called the homeless). They were all interesting characters, albeit tortured human beings. One lady in particular, we used to call Tinkerbell because she walked around dressed in a tutu and carried a wand with a paper, glittery star attached to it.

One day, she wandered into the office I worked in and in a very heavy Hungarian accent asked to see the owner. I informed her he wasn’t there. She smirked and told me it was because she was the owner of the business. Yes, she was sure of it and she wanted me to show her where her office was. I tried to reason with her but she was relentless and refused to leave. I got up from my seat and tried to escort her out of the building but she started thwapping me with her magic wand and screamed, “help, police. help, help, help!” Then just as suddenly as she started all the nonsense, she left – flipping me the bird on her way out.

6. My first devastating moment: When I was about 8, being the good Catholic girl that I was – I prepared for my First Communion. To be honest, I truly had no understanding of it and why all the fuss, but good girls do as the parents say. Two days before the event I was taken to the beauty parlor by my aunt to ‘get my hair done.’ This was very exciting because I’d never been to the beauty parlor except to watch my Mom and other adults get their hair done. Lucky me. Except, I had really long hair. It was fine and very wavy. A mass of tangles and knots that my mother complained about brushing. You guessed it – after my shampoo and conditioning my aunt told the lady to cut my hair. The woman whacked off about 3 inches – I winced but it wasn’t too bad. Then my aunt shook her head no and mouthed the word, ‘more.’ Next thing I knew all my beloved hair was on the floor and I had a bob. I cried for 2 weeks. There isn’t one salvagable photograph from my First Communion because I gave everyone the evil eye the whole day. And really it took me a long time to forgive God.

7. A talent most people don’t know I have: Two talents actually – I can almost always find lost items, particularly keys – unless it’s me who has lost them. I have an amazing knack for remember useless and trivial facts.

8. The funniest thing I’ve ever said out loud: Why are dead people driving cars?

9. Worst gift I ever got from a significant other: A snickers bar, in a plastic grocery bag, for Valentine’s Day. And no, there wasn’t a card in there either.

10. Favorite punchline(s): 1. You had Johnny Ringo’s gal. 2. God Ma, sometimes you really piss me off.

11. Weirdest food I’ve ever eaten: Smoked eel. I was on a blind date with a loser who thought he was quite sophisticated. He insisted on taking me to a Sushi restaurant despite my protestations and was hurt when I ordered Tempura. He forced me to tried smoked eel from his plate, which tasted like barbecued tire. I spit it into my napkin and never saw him again.

12. Strangest thing I ever got paid to do: Buffing a bus with Zelda. It’s too long a story to tell here, so I will have to do a future post about it. But take my word for it, bus buffers have a mind of their own.

13. The one modern convenience I couldn’t live without: A flushing toilet. I can manage without a computer, without a cell phone, a television and even a car – but I could never make it if I had to rely on latrines, outhouses or worse.

14. What I want written on my tombstone: Thanks for laughing.

15. Creepiest landlord I ever had: Elliot. I lived in a guest house on the back of his property. It was a great little place and I really loved it. Until, I had to go to the front house and pay the rent. Then I would have to engage in a conversation with a man who would make Rod Serling sit up and take notice. He had two club feet and so walked with canes and wore thick, eyeglasses that made his eyes look 5 times their size. Also one of those eyes seem to wander in the opposite direction of the other. I lived there for many years and even though he was creepy, given his infirmities I didn’t worry about my welfare, however, I constantly got obscene phone calls. One day, it dawned on me that it was Elliot making the calls. I had my number changed and miraculously, the calls stopped until….I was forced to give him my number. Then of course they would start again. I had my number changed, again and again and again – always with the same result. Even to this day it kind of creeps me out to think about it.

16. Most useless item I ever bought: A cardboard cat-scratcher from Trader Joe’s. Now I love TJ’s as much as the next person – but don’t ever buy this item. Besides the fact that it is impossible to actually put together, it’s a really just a hunk of very expensive cardboard.

17. Most unusual thing I ever cooked: Crawdads. Now, I realize that these are a common southern delicacy and in fact, they are quite delicious. But the thing that makes it unusual is because of the way we happened upon the crawdads. There is a little park that is a sort of annex into Griffith Park, which is a huge national park out here. A few of us decided to have a picnic in this little park annex and happened upon a crik (creek) and we noticed these tiny lobster like creatures strolling around on the bottom. Next thing I knew somebody found some string, bread and cheeze whiz and we were fishing crawdads. We caught an entire bucketful, probably got the entire crawdad population in that crik – then we went home and threw them in a pot of boiling water. Yum, yum, they was some good eatin’.

So there you have it, all the stuff you never wanted to know about me. What about you?

WC

An Answer For Everything…

 

When I was a kid, my mom used to say I always had an answer for everything, which was code for ‘you’re such a smart aleck’ but I enjoyed nonetheless.

Well, this isn’t really a post about that though.

Debi of Ms Crankypants has posed three questions for me to answer -an off-shoot of the whole Alabaster Crippens meme – and I decided to answer them here.

So here goes:

1) What event from your childhood or teen years still has a lasting effect on you to this day?

This is a tough one because it is quite personal. But what the heck… When I was about 12, I was very excited because I had managed to save a good deal of money for Christmas gifts. I really wanted to buy something special for my mother. So, I really budgeted the money for the other gifts on my list so I’d have enough left over to buy her a real gold cross on a chain. She had mentioned many times how she had wanted one and I was thrilled that I was going to be able to give her one. I bought the cross, tiny though it was and on a very delicate chain, it was still 14k gold and I couldn’t wait for Christmas day to arrive.

After weeks of agonizing waiting Christmas day arrived and I gave her the gift. Beside myself with anticipation. When she opened it, she cried and I was elated that she was so touched. But then she said, ‘It’s so small. Is that all you think of me, to give me something so small?’ (or words to that effect). I was crushed of course and disappointed. And I think I tried to explain to her but honestly, it’s a bit of a blur what was said after that point.

At the time, I thought she was being mean. Or maybe that she just didn’t love me very much or less than my brothers and sister. And I vowed I would never buy her anything that would ever enter the area of ‘special’ again because I couldn’t bear that kind of reaction from her again.

But in retrospect, I don’t think she was being mean. I think that she had many insecurities and self doubts. And that for some reason that necklace reinforced those insecurities and doubts. That in her mind, it validated her fear that she didn’t matter. And to me, that is even sadder that my mother wouldn’t know how much I was trying to please her and make her happy.

It has always affected my relationship with her and I’ve always felt tenuous with her and worry whenever I have to buy her a gift or send her a card. I try to pretend that it doesn’t matter but it does. She has a birthday coming up and I spent days trying to find something to send her that I thought she would like. I settled on something but I have little hope she’ll like it. I know she’ll say she does but…

Anyway, that’s the answer to that one.

2) What is the purpose of imagination and where does it come from?

I believe the purpose of imagination is to bring about the future. Without imagination, we would not have any of our modern technology, music, art, literature – artists are the dreamers of our society and they through their art dream and bring into reality products of their imaginations.

3) What book would YOU want to have written, and why?

Without question I would have wanted to write Atlas Shrugged. There are several reasons why. I strongly identified with Dagny Taggert, a true individual who did not care what others thought of her and was guided by her own conscience and values, despite incredible influences to act otherwise. She would not compromise her beliefs or ideals. Also, I believe it is one of the most important books ever written because it makes the case that we are each responsible and accountable for our actions or inactions and that no one is owed a living, wherewithall, possessions, or status that is not earned. To me, a definitive text of the 20th century and modern society. And probably most importantly, because it was an elegant and flawlessly written story that continued until it was truly over. Rather than ending on a specified page count.

Well Debi, there you have it. That was interesting… 😉
WC

Really Stupid Shit Part Deux

I know you’ve all been out there waiting with baited breath for a sequel to this really popular post because when you get right down to it, you just can’t get enough stupid shit. But I like to change things up lest I end up in a rut, so rather than favorite stupid shit – I think we’ll go with annoying stupid shit this time out.

Ready? Good. Here we go

Stupidest remaining Idol Contestant: Tie. Sanjaya the bad singer with the good hair and blindingly white smile – who couldn’t sing if his life truly depended on it. He is only still on the show because weeping pre-teens can’t tell the difference between love and their impending hormones. It’s sweet in a real icky kind of way. But I hate to break it to you folks, he is one of the Top Ten. Any arguments that maybe they should have stopped at season 5?

The other ‘idol’ vying for the title is Chris Sligh (Sly? Are you kidding?) who is the self-appointed “Taylor” contestant for this year. He acts like a dark horse (he thinks), sings the same songs/material as Taylor (tries to Christ-i-cize it?) and just goes off key and nasal, does the fro thang, strolls through the crowd but looks like he wants to slap them out of his way rather than interact. Oh and his fans are calling themselves the Fro-Patrol. Excuse me while I puke. This kid is about as sincere as Paris Hilton while she is hanging out with her girlfriends’ boyfriends unchaperoned. He is the biggest phoniest jackass of a contestant I’ve seen on the show. I’ll bet the voice isn’t really his – he probably pipes it in through his ass from some high tech Ipod mike accessory. Pass the barfbag.

Stupidest Title for a movie – Mimzy or some shit. I don’t CARE if it is good. You just don’t call a movie Mimzy if you expect anyone over the age of three to go see it. Hey Joe, see any good movies lately? Oh yah Marge and I saw Mimsy – it was really fabulous. Jeez – come on!

Stupidest Talk Show Host: Rosie O’Donnell. What her producers seem to be missing is that talk show hosts are supposed to encourage the guests to talk. Not to slap them, gag them and force feed them their personal, commie, leftie, eco-whacko, insane-o views. Or am I missing something?

Stupidest TV Show: Oh there are soooooooo many but let me pick one from the new batch of shows. Now, mind you I am not going after any reality shows since in my mind they really aren’t tv shows but more like amatuer contests that are televised. No, I’m going after real, shows that are supposed to be real. Okay – Studio Sixty. I mean, hello? What the frick are they thinking here? First of all is Amanda Peet really going to go for Bradley Whitford? The guy has a huge head, it’s even a little scary. Imagine that coming at you ladies for a little good night smooch. Oh yeah. And then Matthew Perry is so schizoid he needs at least 10 offices for all his personalities and the girl he is supposed to be in love with is just too normal to ever really be attracted to a malignant narccissist like him and all his self-righteous spewing crapola. And remember folks, this is supposed to be a comedy, which means funny, right? While really all they are doing is tripping over themselves to spout whatever political ‘message’ is cool and p.c. and see who can talk the fastest. In a phrase it SUCKS!

Stupidest Rock Star: Hands down Bono: Where oh where do I begin? Okay, first of all is he really even that good of a singer? He is ugly as sin – so ugly in fact, he has to wear sunglasses everywhere he goes so the ugly rays do eat the flesh from his face and that of his fans. But what really makes him suck is this pompous, sanctimonious world peace faux world leader act of his. Does he really think anybody (who doesn’t want to get free tickets to rocks concerts populated by other pompous egotistical rock stars) is even remotely interested in his world plan? Sorry bub, but you actually have to get elected by people who know they are electing you, in order to have a say in what my country is going to do about anything. And by the way champ, get the hell out of the U.S. and U.S. affairs, who the hell asked you? How do you get off even hinting at what my tax dollars should be spent on? How dare you take my tax dollars and take credit for what they buy. Kiss my grits, dude. Big time.

Stupidest shit people do to their kids: A picture                             

is worth a thousand words. It’s not bad enought that this child is probably going to be raised by some doped up biker dude and biker chick, they have to turn him into some sort of mini me before he can even learn the words to protest. This mirror image approach to child rearing is just another disease of the yuppified self-absorbed. They don’t want to have children for the joy of having them and raising them to be their own man or woman – but rather they want to raise little clones of themselves so that they will be immortal.

Stupidest phrase: Politically Correct. What in the hell is correct about talking gibberish. I mean under what set of rules, grammar or otherwise does any of this doubletalk even begin to be correct? As for politics – we all know politics are lies and run by the lying liars who lie to get into office. So if something is politically correct isn’t the translation something like perfect lying?

Stupidest Shoes: Those sneakers that are really skates, no they are sneakers no they are skates, no they are sneakers that are skates – they are two, two, two shoes in one. What they are is an accident waiting to happen. It’s bad enough some fool came up with the idea but people are putting them on 6 year old who barely have enough sense not to play in the street much less navigate skating shoes down shopping market aisles . Which of course they don’t and they run smack into you and glare as though you are the cause of all their unhappiness. Between junk food, computers, Ipods and the fact that poor little Johnny shouldn’t have to actually walk to anyplace in the world (not even bed) this ain’t helping in the fight against adolescent obesity.

Stupidest Disease: Again, sooooooooooooooooo many to choose from but let’s go after restless leg syndrome. I mean, come on is this really a disease? From what I’ve read it’s just a magnesium deficiency, which I’d guess you could fix by taking magnesium. Why does every little thing that happens have to be a disease or a genetic defect? Why in the hell isn’t there one damn thing that people are supposed to be responsible for?

Stupidest News Story: The paternity of Ana-Nicole’s daughter. Come on folks, is this really news? I mean are things out there in the big, wide world, so easy going and calm and uneventful that who fathered an aging sex symbol’s daughter gets the headline banner. Not just once but for weeks? Really? So, like world hunger, world peace, tornados, beheadings, none of that takes precedence? Just what I thought all journalists are pussies and idiots who didn’t get their parents’ moneys worth on those fancy prep schools they all attended.

Other things that are just plain stupid pisser offers:

1. People who are too afraid to drive their cars. These are the folks who cause accidents and claim to be in them.

2. Claiming the price of gas is all because of the evil oil companies, with no mention of the taxes, initiatives, regulatory fees and every other little piece of garbage that is added to the price of gasoline which is hidden. No…let’s not tell the truth, let’s blame the guy that provides the goods.

3. Property taxes. Explain something to me, if you own something why would you pay someone else a tax for owning it? What Einstein thought this one up and why the hell does anyone pay it?

4. Giving anyone too young to pay for one on their own, a cell phone. What is the matter with parents today? They give 8 year olds cell phones and Ipods and then wonder how they get hit by cars. Aren’t kids absent-minded enough, you really have to give them things that will completely blot out the world around them? Why not just invest in that Matrix Condo Development now?

5. That cashiers can’t count. You know a bagillion years ago I worked as a waitress and often had to take money at the cash register. So if the bill was $2.26 and they gave you a five so you would count their change back to them like this: 27,28,29,30, 40,50,75, $3, $4, and $5. These days, they take the receipt and pile the bills and the change on top of that and jam it into your hand while peeking at the register to see how much they gave you. Not to mention the fact that they expect you to get the hell out of the way because the guy behind you is about ready to explode because you want to put your change back in your wallet before you grab your bags.

6. Restaurant workers who don’t speak english or have such a difficult time speaking it you cannot understand a word they say – especially at the drive through window. Sorry, but if you’re in America I believe you must speak English well enough to be understood – because if you can’t speak my language do you really think I’m going to trust in the fact that you’ll get my order right or my change? Get real.

7. The cigarette police, the fat police, the second hand smoke police (take your pick) they are the self-appointed assholes who must save society from itself while getting a whole of power for themselves too. Personally, I’m holding out for the bullshit police. I’d love to have some yahoo come along and save all of us from the bullshit that we’ve had shoveled on us from day one. I mean, have you ever asked yourself why it is that despite the trillions of dollars that have been donated and funded into heart disease, cancer, AIDS and so on that there is still no cure for any of it? Don’t you wonder why? Seriously? I’ll tell you why – it’s because they are now cottage industries that hire tons of people who would actually have to find work if cures were found. Most of that money never gets to the level of those who honestly want to find cures or solutions – it gets stuck at the administrative level. Please go save someone who needs saving and leave me alone. I am willing to accept responsibility for my actions.

8. Social Security and Medicare: Is there anyone of my generation out there who has any dillusions that they will collect one cent of the social security and medicare we have funded over our working careers? Anybody? Cuz if so, I have a bridge in Brooklyn you might want to take a look at.

Alrighty then, that’s about all my wee brain can come up with today. Feel free to add to the list.

WC

Five Answers

Alabaster Crippens  had a great little post called Five Questions. I liked it a lot and asked him to create five questions for me. Below are the questions and answers.

1. What’s the saddest fictional event you’ve ever borne witness to?

The belief that we lost the Vietnam War and the propogation of same. And further, that those who were involved were somehow criminals and lower than plant planken. It was a terrible lie and a tragic insult forwarded against people better than you and I who didn’t deserve it. And the liars still continue to spin the lie and somehow make it relevant today. The p.c. kids are the worst of the sad fiction creators around.

2. What’s the most wonderful sound you’ve ever heard?

You can smoke with impunity. Actually, I’ve only ever heard it in my dreams but ….. I’d have to say the most wonderful sound is children laughing.

3. Who do you most want to punch in the face?

It’s a toss-up between Hillary Clinton and Howard Stern. They both gross me out beyond words and are a total waste of space in my opinion. Two things I really cannot tolerate are panderers and liars. Most any other transgression can be forgiven but those two are very difficult for me to tolerate. I don’t understand why anyone would find either of them credible on any topic – they seem absolutely transparent to me.

4. What was the last thing that stopped you in your tracks in amazement?
The attack on the World Trade Tower and the Pentagon and the murders of thousands of my fellow citizens. Which is not to say that there haven’t been amazing things since then but there hasn’t been anything that truly stopped me in my tracks other than 9/11.

5. Have you ever seen something that definitely wasn’t there?

Absolutely and pretty regularly actually. I see ghosts. Often late at night when I’m driving, sometimes on my way to the bathroom and various other places. I once lived in a house that was previously inhabited by an old woman and her ghost would constantly knock over my trash can at night. After a while though, you get used to it. Oh, I also sometimes see what other drivers are planning to do on the road ahead of me – the trick is to not react too soon before they do it. Takes some practice.

Thanks Al for the super cool and groovy questions, I love pop quizzes and this one was good because it was completely unpredictable. Loved it.
WC

It’s Official – They Hate Me

 

Okay, so you all know that the new job has been rough from the beginning. But today was the ultimate – one of my staff informed me that they all hate me. Just call me office road kill. Imagine my joy at the news.

Followed by the doctor getting in my face about something, followed by the consultant making fun of me for being upset. I don’t think I’m going to make it there.

 I think I am just the wrong person for the job. I have no one to talk to – and feel like such an outsider there it is just misery.

The worse part of it is – that my blogging has really sucked since I started the job too – which really pisses me off.

I don’t know what I’m going to do – I don’t even know what I can do. Tomorrow I have lunch with the doctor and the consultant – during which I expect them to get on me about whatever – so that will be a meal I won’t be eating.

I never knew I was so unlovable and in fact detestible. Gives one pause, you know? Sorry for the whining but it’s the only thing I can really think about right now.  Can you say, ‘head exploding’?

WC

The Yeah-Whatevers

Lately, it seems I’ve gotten myself a bad case of the ‘yeah-whatevers’ know what I mean? It’s that space you have to get yourself into to protect yourself from the insults and injuries of modern living.

You know like you spend hours over a post and finally get it up and nobody comments. You shrug – ‘yeah, whatever.’

Your readers feel like pimping their posts in your comments section – ‘yeah, whatever.’

You spend $1300 to fix your car only to have it blow a valve 3 weeks later – ‘yeah, whatever.’

Your family decides it’s your turn to get dumped on and criticisms fly across all modes of communication – ‘yeah, whatever.’

Sanjaya makes it to the top 12 on Idol – ‘yeah, whatever.’

You work your ass off for your company all year only to be given sea sickness for  your Christmas bonus – ‘yeah, whatever.’

The old lady next door sells her house to a flip-em dude who is doing round the clock cosmetic changes on the house so he can sell it in a month – forget about any peace and quiet on the weekend – ‘yeah, whatever.’

No matter what you do or don’t eat, your ass just keeps getting bigger and bigger – ‘yeah, whatever.’

Your dog has become some neurotic old lady of a dog who barks non-stop at some invisible interloper, ‘yeah, whatever.’

The only filling you need to get re-done will cost you $189, ‘yeah, whatever.’

Gas is over $3 a gallon just as your commute to work has tripled, ‘yeah, whatever.’

Heroes is on hiatus again, ‘yeah, whatever.’

You basically just have so many nifty things to be depressed about you can’t even pick a favorite, ‘yeah, whatever.’

I’m trying though – I really am trying to get out of this funk. And no I am not bringing in the dah noise with dah funk. I’m trying to find things to be cheerful about. Like my birthday (oh boy now I’m even older) and the prospect of a new car (can’t wait to have yet another monthly payment and more insurance) my new wardrobe (cuz now I’m fatter than I was) but it’s not easy.

Pray for me. Or join in the fun of your own ‘yeah, whatevers’ At least the weekend is upon us. That’s good right?

WC

Dr Phil Says…

Yay! Another useless test that we can do that will tell us what we probably already know about ourselves. But hell, I love to waste time, don’t you? Don’t peek, but begin the test as you scroll down and answer. Okay, I know you’ll peek anyway but you have to sort of play along with these guys, right?

Answers are for who you are now — not who you were in the past. (glad they cleared that up, eh? )Have pen or pencil and paper ready. This is a real test given by the Human Relations Dept. at many of the major corporations today. It helps them get better insight concerning their employees and prospective employees. (Now, I really doubt this because it probably comes under the heading of profiling or discrimination or some such based on all the stupid ass laws we have on the books now, but it sounds good, huh?).

Ready??

1. When do you feel your best?

a) in the morning

b) during the afternoon and early evening

c) late at night

2. You usually walk…

a) fairly fast, with long steps

b) fairly fast, with little steps

c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face

d) less fast, head down

e) very slowly

3. When talking to people you…

a) stand with your arms folded

b) have your hands clasped

c) have one or both your hands on your hips

d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking

e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair

4. When relaxing, you sit with…

a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side

b) your legs crossed

c) you r legs stretched out or straight

d) one leg curled under you

5. When something really amuses you, you react with…

a) big appreciated laugh

b) a laugh, but not a loud one

c) a quiet chuckle

d) a sheepish smile

6. When you go to a party or social gathering you…

a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you

b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know

c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed

7. You’re working very hard, concentrating hard, and you’re interrupted…

a) welcome the break

b) feel extremely irritated

c) vary between these two extremes

8. Which of the following colors do you like most?

a) Red or orange

b) black

c) yellow or light blue

d) green

e) dark blue or purple

f) white

g) brown or gray

9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep you are…

a) stretched out on your back

b) stretched out face down on your stomach

c) on your side, slightly curled

d) with your head on one arm

e) with your head under the covers

10. You often dream that you are…

a) falling

b) fighting or struggling

c) searching for something or somebody

d) flying or floating

e) you usually have dreamless sleep

f) your dreams are always pleasant

POINTS:

1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6

2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1

3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6

4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1

5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2

6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2

7. (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4

8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1

9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1

10. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1

Now add up the total number of points.

OVER 60 POINTS: Others see you as someone they should “handle with care.” You’re seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don’t always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.

51 TO 60 POINTS: Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, who’s quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.

41 TO 50 POINTS: Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who’s constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who’ll always cheer them up and help them out.

31 TO 40 POINTS: Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful & practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who’s extremel y loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over if that trust is ever broken.

21 TO 30 POINTS: Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature.

UNDER 21 POINTS: People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions & who doesn’t want to get involved with anyone or anything! They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don’t exist. Some people think you’ re boring. Only those who know you well know that you aren’t.

Wasn’t that fun! Don’t you feel like you’re more in touch with your feelings now? Did it give a sense of I’m okay, You’re okay? Hahahahahahahaha.

(I scored 39 points by the way – which apparently means I am only semi-neurotic. – WC)

I Was Doing it Wrong!

Who knew all this time I was weighing myself the wrong way! Apparently, I only weight 17 lbs. For cripessakes I am practically anorexic! I need chocolate and ice cream immediately – it’s a matter of life and death. I guess the big fat ass is an optical illusion. It’s all a matter of perspective, doncha think? 😆

WC

Weird Pets

Where I come from, people had pretty ordinary or what you might call normal, pets. Mostly, dogs and cats, maybe a couple of fish, even a horse. Nothing too terribly unusual. The names were pretty normal too – names like King, Queenie, Spot, Fluffy, Smokey, Snowball. Basically names that you wouldn’t name a person, your kid or something, you know pet names.

Though I’ve noticed as the march of time moved on, people got weirder and weirder pets. I think the first clue was the Pet Rock. Now, one has to really think about that for a minute – how much of loser does one have to be in order to only be pet-compatible with a rock? A rock? What’s worse is people even named their pet rocks. Can you say loser?

I think though that this could possibly be an extension of the naming your vehicle thing. Bessie, Fred, WildThang, whatever – people who name their cars and trucks are making pets of them. To me, too weird. I have names for my car but they are reserved for times of stress when the car is giving me trouble and costing me money. They would never be considered endearments of any kind.

After the pet rocks there seemed to be a trend toward naming animals as if they were children or people. Names like Remington, Charlamagne, and Bruce come to mind. Or naming pets after famous people like Thurber, Hemingway and Prince Charles.

Then came the occasional odd pet:

The pet wolf – pretty and sorta looked like a dog but could turn on you at any moment.

The baby racoon that turned into a terror and garbage can addict in just a few short weeks.

Ferretts and mongooses. Oh yeah, out here, they are really popular.

Rats and mice. Now doesn’t it strike you as weird that people would make pets of creatures that whole industries have been created for the sole purpose of destroying same?

How’s about an ocelot? There’s a purty pussycat. Course he’ll take out your eye if you ain’t paying attention.

Pet ants – ant farms. Refer back to mice/rat statement.

Pet snakes. Especially snakes like Boas – great, I love you to death – right?

Of course if you Michael Jackson you have your own giraffe and several chimpanzees.

Pet monkeys – those creepy little dudes that used to be the organ grinder’s friend in the bad B movies from the 40’s & 50’s is now suddenly a really cool pet thanks to Ross from Friends. Yoiks.

Rabbits are also weird pets the poop non-stop, make no really connection to any other living creature and never have any life in their eyes. Sure they are cute but -hello! nobody home.

Lately, my dog (magpie – maggie for short) has been trying to make the possum who lives in our yard her pet. You can always tell when our possum is out and about because Maggie gets all agitated and makes this really annoying whiney sound and runs around in circles chasing her tail. You think she really has to go and you let her outside and then she runs up and down the yard along the back wall making that weird growly whiney sound – apparently trying to teach the Possum how to ‘heel’ or something. It takes an hour sometimes to get her back in the house. And even after she is in, she is still hankering for some quality time with Possum. Do you think if I showed her this picture, she’d change her mind?

Gotta go, she is insisting she has to pee and giving that pathetic, I’m-a-poor-puppy look and I just know that if I choose to believe she is faking I will be cleaning up the carpet later.

So how about you? Know any weird pets?

WC