Every now and then, you hit a rough patch in life. It always seems to come out of nowhere and often comes when it seems you are just about to hit your stride. Whenever that happens I find myself getting wound up into the twisty road of ‘why’.
In the last few weeks, lots of stuff has been swirling all around. A friend of mine is very concerned about their parent, my friend Kelly, as most of you know, was in a very bad car accident, Roomie’s friend was just diagnosed with cancer and still other friends are having difficulties too, to a lesser degree. It makes me wonder, is there something in the air?
I tend to be a little supersticious, or maybe just paranoid – but this is very unsettling to me. Although, this year has been filled with lots of changes, some good, some bad, generally speaking my life tends to be even and calm. When something gets in the mix that riles that up, I look inward to see if there is something I’m doing that is causing it. In this case, it wouldn’t seem so, since most of it is happening around me and isn’t specifically about me. Which makes it worse because there is precious little I can do about it, except watch it unfold.
Since Kelly’s accident, it is nearly impossible for me to not to think about it and her most of the time. I find it hard to concentrate on the rest of my life but know that I must. I will be no good to her or anyone else if I steep myself in worry and concern and don’t focus on the daily tasks that are necessary to get on in life. Yet, when I do this, I feel guilty as though I am letting her down. Truth be told, I felt that way the entire time I was in Seattle. Not only could I not fix things (an unrealistic goal, of course, but that has never stopped me) but I was so distressed and upset personally, that I spent much of my time there trying not to fall apart around Kelly and her family – especially her children. Consequently, I spent a lot of time out on their deck, late at night, crying when everyone else was asleep.
Maybe that is the normal response to situations like this, I really don’t know – the last time I had someone in my life in a critical and dire condition was when I was twelve years old and my grandfather was in and out of the hospital. From that standpoint, I should count myself as lucky, because most of the people in my life are healthy and happy and doing well.
I could just adopt the view that sometimes things just happen. That is true enough, yet still, with Kelly it shouldn’t have happened – not because she is my friend or because she is a good person – but because it just doesn’t fit. She is an adventurous woman, an excellent driver, very perceptive and intuitive and doesn’t fit the profile of someone who would get into an accident. I just can’t get that out of my mind. I just can’t stop wondering what happened – was she upset just before the accident, did something get her so riled up that she wasn’t paying attention? These questions and many more swirl around in my head whenever I think about it but I find no answers – and may never.
As far as I can tell, Kelly wasn’t aware of my being there and/or if she was, she didn’t know me. It’s possible that that part of her memory is gone and she may never know me again – except in the context of now. As though life came along and decided to pluck parts of her life away from her and is holding them hostage for an unknown ransome.
And though it’s futile and not well-advised I can’t but help to ask, why? Why Kelly? Why now? Maybe someday I’ll find the answer but for now, I am stuck with only the the continuous and never ending winding road of questions.
9 thoughts on “Something in the Air?”
Ugh, I feel your pain Annie. It’s very frustrating to have no control over things. I’m sorry you are going through a rough time. We are all here if that makes it even the tiniest smidgen better. Love and hugs!
Of course, my darling, it makes all the difference in the world. Just one of those things I had to say out loud, know what I mean?
I wish I had all the answers you seek but of course I don’t. There probably aren’t any answers but you still can’t help but question why? It’s good though to write about these things instead of holding them in. Right now I worry about my son. I can’t write about him on my blog because he found it.I know I’ve already mentioned him to you. He’s a recovering heroin/crack addict. I know he relapsed a few weeks ago, though I think he is OK now but doesn’t have a job. He lives about 8 hours away but calls me daily with all his problems. Problems I can’t help him with but can only worry about. I should start a separate blog about him but I know he would find it somehow. I am writing about him to myself. Like you I just keep asking WHY?
You know, Joan, your comment gave me an idea. If you are interested, I would be more than happy to offer you a forum to write those post that you can’t write on your own blog for fear of friends or family seeing them. Any time you need to do one and need a place, just let me know and we’ll put her up here. How does that sound?
Oh Wow. That would be so awesome. Some of it I don’t even tell my family because they’re are all sick of him. But he’s my son and my love for him will never stop no matter how frustrated I may get. I’m ready now and don’t even know how to thank you enough for the generous offer.
Okay, why don’t you write the post and email it to me, then we’ll put it up. How does that sound?
i could say that maybe this is a time for you to learn acceptance, or to realize your strength, but mostly what i feel the need to say is that you must be sure to release these feelings of worry and anger (that’s what the ‘why?’ seems to to be to me) and sadness so that you don’t become overwhelmed by despair.
i’m sorry about your current state. i don’t want to sound trite but soon, God willing soon, life will calm down and you’ll have grown and learned during the process.
Love you, Chica.
You’re still in my prayers.
Oh Chica, you make me cry – but in a good way. You may be right and I am working on releasing the stuff. It’s hard because it someone I am so close to – but surrounding myself with despair is not the right way to go – you are so right about that.
Love you too, honey. You’re the sweetest.
There never is a good reason why. It just is. It is up to us to pick up the pieces and carry on hoping for the best. And that is my hope for you and your friend. The hope to carry on.
Thanks darlin, and so it should be for us all. I don’t feel hopeless – not anymore anyway – just this sucker has really thrown me for a loop and still trying to get my footing back. I always bounce back, so no worries. I promise not to do anymore bummer posts for at least a week. 😉
Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter,
you will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth
you will again bring me up.
Thanks for this, Ham.
That sounds great!! I will work on it tomorrow. Thank you so much.
Okay, let me know when you are finished and we’ll schedule it to post.
Sometimes I think our minds are our worst enemies. I know mine is. I tend to over-analyze everything and am always asking why…why…why. I agree with c that you have to release these feelings – and you know that we are all hear to listen.
Sorry I haven’t been around much lately, but please know that you are in my thoughts!
No worries, hon. I know you guys are out there, praying for her and letting me lean a bit on you. I feel the love – to coin a phrase. But Chica is right, it’s time to let those feelings go and just deal with what’s happening now. And so I shall.
I am so sorry to hear the distress in your writing and I can only imagine how tough it is.
We all go through periods of “why”. I like to call it railing at the gods, and although sometimes, it helps me vent and feel better, other times, it does nothing for me.
I don’t want to sadden you, but I will tell you about the death of a good friend. This happened a long while ago and he was a few months shy of his 25th birthday. We all wondered why. We all railed at the gods. We all talked about how unfair, and how horrid, and the list goes on.
I thought about him, and what he would want if he could see us. I couldn’t read his mind, so I turned inwards, and thought what would *I* want if I died unexpectedly? Or, what if I fell ill? I would want to be remembered fondly. I would want people to say I made a difference in their life. I would want people to say, ‘hey, do you remember the time when…’. Whether I’m ill, or well, I want people to only appreciate the time they have today, right now, with me. And if I don’t recognize them, that’s okay too because anyone can make me smile. None of us knows how much more time we have, so I say we live it today, in the best way possible. Every day and moment is precious for us to cherish. That’s what I would want if it were me.
P.S. I’m sorry for the long comment and my prayers are with you and Kelly. Smile Annie, as you’ve made so many others smile.
Daisy…you really are a kindred spirit.