I don’t know about you, but I hate job interviews. They are so unnerving and you always worry about what to do and what not to do. And let’s face it none of us are really ourselves in job interviews because we all know on some level that were we to reveal ourselves the interviewer would run screaming from the room. So, we all put on our interview persona and hope for the best. Following are few tipoffs as to what not to do or say in an interview.
1. Do not smell your armpits as you walk into the interviewer’s office. If you are afraid that you may sweat during the interview, tape maxi pads under your arms before you leave the house.
2. Do not have a friend make a fake emergency cell phone call, just in case the interview is going badly. The chances that the interviewer will believe your dog, Bingo has been run over a truck and you have to go to his aid immediately is not likely to cover up the fact that you couldn’t answer the question, “How much is two plus two?”
3. Do not brush your hair, crack your knuckles or pick your teeth during the interview. This could make the interviewer suspect you are bored.
4. Do not ask for a ride home from the interview after you are finished.
It will make the interviewer worry that you will expect them to carpool you on a regular basis.
5. Do not check your email, text messages or your tunes list on your iPhone while the interviewer is asking you questions. The interviewer may be jealous of the fact that you have an iPhone while they do not.
6. Do not wear the outfit you are going to wearing clubbing after you leave the interview, unless you are interviewing for a pole dancing job.
7. Do not wear black lipstick to the interview, especially if you are a man.
8. Do not answer any of the interviewer’s questions with, “Why do you want to know that?”
9. Do not provide references from your mother, boyfriend or Bill Clinton. No one will believe you know Bill Clinton.
10. Do not badmouth your former boss or co-workers or cite political differences as your reason for leaving your previous job. The interviewer will believe you are too intelligent to hire and will not put up with their oppressive policies and unfair work practices. And your former boss could be one of their drinking buddies.
11. Do not ask questions like: So, you getting any, lately? Cute outfit, where’d you get it? Are there any cute guys to date here? How many paid sick days do I get? Do you guys have free long distance? Can I bum a ciggie from you? Are you single?
While there are many more things I could list, I think this is a good start. Feel free to add to the list.
WC
Anita Rodgers Mystery Writer 
Funny stuff. Something else not to do on an interview is asking: “How do I get your job?”
Good one. I never thought of that one.
WC
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LOL YOU ARE TOO FUNNY!
Heheheheheheh. 😉
wC
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I thought this was the to do list. No wonder I’m unemployed. You should dress up like Sarah’s cat. It might be a great interview conversation starter. 😀
LOL Ali,
That purple wig would really get me somewhere, eh? 😉
A
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If you are a guy the best thing to do is acquire a good handshake. Nobody likes the limp fish but don’t try to break someone’s hand either. And try to stay away from gassy foods before an interview. Unless you don’t think that you are going to get the job anyway. That way you can leave them a parting gift so that they can have a lingering memory of you.
So, beans, chili and anything from Jack in the Box is out? 😉
A
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My first thought when I saw the photo was that outfit was quite trashy for a job interview.
You also would not want to bring along your screaming child or your devoted pet. 😉
Oh yeah, the ol’ screaming child routine, I forgot about that one. 😆
WC
PS: Yes, the outfit is trashy a definite no-no
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Ummmm….maybe self-employment is the answer after all? Bwahahahahahha
Well, if you employ yourself, you are bound to get a better interview…I think. 😉
A
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Job coaches should copy your list and pin it to their walls!
I used to conduct interviews (I was in HR). Two no-nos off the top of my head are 1: Try to refrain from using the word “fuck,” and 2: When someone says, “So, tell me a little about yourself,” try not to go off on a tangent about your divorce from that lying, cheating, lazy son of a bitch. Or your OCD. 🙂
Queenie!
You’re so funny. Did you really have folks do that? Sorry, but I’m laughing my head off here. Especially the tell me a little bit about yourself part. Criminy, people really do let it all hang out these days, don’t they?
WC
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Can I get my first paycheck in advance? BAHAHAHAHH! I just read moonbeammcqueen’s advice and LOL wondering did someone REALLY us the word FUCK in their interview? SHUT UP! NO WAY!
Oh my God, you’re right. I’ve had people ask me that when I hired them. Jeez Louise. The other one I hate is the barrage of questions on the phone before you even have the interview, what’s the pay, any holidays, benefits, etc. Yikes.
WC
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Many years ago I was filling out a job application, and at the very end of the section labeled “Previous Employer” was this: “Reason for Leaving.”
I thought for a moment, then entered: “Mutual illness.”
Nobody questioned it, but if someone had, an explanation was at hand: “I was sick of them and they were sick of me.”
That is hysterical CG! I may have to use that one someday. 😉
WC
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12. Do not bring intoxicants, legal or illegal, to a job interview.
13. Do not arrive at the interview in a state of intoxication.
14. Do not visibly stagger, stumble, or trip on your way into the interviewer’s office.
15. Do not slur, mumble, or mutter beneath your breath.
16. Do not gesticulate wildly, especially at things the interviewer cannot see.
Yes, all of these are known to have happened in the place where I work.
Wow! I’m assuming you place of business is not a tavern, then? 😉 Still, I have to wonder what kind of business it is that people would arrive in that state.
WC
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Job interviews…makes me glad I’ve been in the same one for nearly sixteen years… Wow, that would make me, like old or something! 😛
Hey bmailman,
No, I think that just makes you stable and possibly a grown up. A rarity around these parts. 😉
WC
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Annie, you and Moonbeam are the coolest cats around! 🙂 ROFLMAO!
I shudder when I think of one of my first (grown up) interviews many years ago, I practically begged the guy not to hire me. What was I thinking? must have been like the retired Gen that ran with Perot years ago and said something like: What are we doing and why am I here? Gag!
Hey Ange,
Yep, that Queenie is a laugh-riot, I totally agree with you there.
I’ve actually done things to not get hired at job interviews. It sometimes happened spontaneously – like you walk in and you’re really sure that all the employees are actually dead people. Yeah, time to rethink applying here, doncha think? Or they are more like Stepford employees – that sugar sweet smile and syrupy demeanor – makes you crash from too much of a sugar rush, right? Gag, is right.
WC
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Dammit to hell! No picking of the teeth? That’s why I havent’ gotten any calls back!
Cuz when I pick my teeth, I take them out first . . it’s easier, ya know 🙂
Funny funny, as usual!
Oh, and HAPPPY BIRTHDAY. it is now officially your birthday here in kentucky. So have a good one!
Hey Red!
Well, maybe in your case we’ll make an exception – just make sure you have a bottle of smelling salts for the interviewer when you whip those chompers out. 😉
Ah yes, another berfday has come. Green beer, anyone?
WC
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Which is why I know I’m not Irish – I prefer Guinness and bangers and mash 😀
Hey FFE,
I never got the whole bangers and mash thing. Could have something to do with my suspicion of sausages though. 😉
WC
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damn alignment of comments and headers :))
Eh? Having trouble with comments. Sorry. 😦
WC
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Don’t fart is always good advice. I never have but I’ve been farted at by my interviewer…
Cheers
BC
LOL BC! Did the farting disuade you from working for the guy? I just hate it when that happens. 😉
WC
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You forgot my fave. Do not scratch were it itches. Oooops that may be one of those gender specific things. But then again 😉
LOL – yes, good advice to be sure. And ain’t it the way that things do itch at the worst times? 😉
Annie
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I actually love job interviews. It was always the first day on the job that I sweated bullets wondering how to live up to how great I presented myself.. Maybe I should study acting.
I’ve told an interviewer that based on the interview, I wouldn’t be a good fit. And he answered, so you don’t mind if I don’t call you for a 2nd interview? uh, yea.
And, once I got very honest at an interview and said I would really prefer flexible hours cuz the 9-5 is such a drag, ya know? They didn’t call me back, either.
C! You are so funny. I can totally see you doing that. I would have loved to see those faces when you did that though, it must have been a scream.
WC
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