Secrets of the Universe

When I am upset, particularly when I am sad, I don’t let myself feel it. Not really. I dress it up in sarcasm or wit and crack wise. I shrug and say, ‘whatever.’ I sigh a lot and try to forget about it. Sometimes it works. Usually it doesn’t. I don’t know what it is about this need to hide the feelings, especially from myself. Maybe I’m afraid of confronting what I did to deserve whatever heartache I’m experiencing. No…scratch that…rather I get into an endless loop of trying to discover what I did to deserve it. Very frustrating, that. Because the truth is sometimes things just happen. I fundamentally reject this reality because—I don’t know why to tell you the truth – but I do reject it. Even though there is truth in it. The universe is not mine and mine alone. I do not control everything that happens here – in fact, the percentage of what I do control in this world would challenge the best mathematician in discerning the correct fractional amount of control that I have.

Still, the burning desire to know. To have some control over what does and does not hurt me. What does and does not affect me never leaves me. Maybe because I’m a fixer. Middle child, don’t you know. I guess that automatically makes me want to fix everything. To mediate dissention. To be the can’t we all just get along poster child in life.

I envy those who can feel what they feel when they feel it and then move on. Those who can let go and move to the next adventure. Where trouble and woe rolls off their backs and they hit the ground running at warp speed, surely heading for another disaster, but with insoucciance and humor. How do they do that? I really want to know.

Despite my feeling of little to no control I make myself take risks. Scary as they may be I know that without risk you get nothing and go nowhere. But oh how it can bite you in the ass when you least expect it. And oh how I can later regret it. My prudent side lectures me on how I should have thought it out first. How I should have planned and covered my ass before leaping into a pool of hungry aligators. And to tell you the truth she really pisses me off. The big-sissy-know- it-all. Second guessing is futile because, well shit, it’s over. Shoulda, woulda, coulda makes no difference, unless you’re reworking the plotline in your novel. You really can’t rewrite life, no matter how much you may want to.

So, I continue to seek out the secrets of the universe, particularly those that can educate me in how to accept things as they are. The ones that enable me to move on, despite disappointment and troubles. I do manage to hobble along one way or the other, I try not to feel sorry for myself or even to regret things thatare in the past. Still…that wondering part of me will always want to know why???? Maybe it’s just part of who I am and it will always be there. Or maybe while walking down the beach one day, the answer to the whys and wherefores will come bobbing along the shore, safely ensconced in a bottle with my name on it. If so, I look forward to that particular walk. If not, I guess I’ll just keep hobbling.

WC

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6 thoughts on “Secrets of the Universe

  1. My dear, you are simply this…a writer. It is your job to feel the things others are afraid to feel, to over-analyze them, live through them, make mistakes, laugh/cry at yourself and then make them all over again….and then you write them down and someone else says “Oh Yes” I’ve felt that….only they couldn’t put it into words…..

    Hey Kimmie,
    Well I definitely have that over-analysation thing down. 😉 Maybe you’re right, if so, then my existence makes a modicum of sense. Don’t want to consider the alternative though. Thanks, honey.
    Annie

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  2. * Hugs *

    Annie,

    I think we all feel this way at some point or another. I hope that things work out for you, and that you will recognize that, while you don’t have control over everything, you do have control over things like…eating chocolate. 🙂

    Love,

    Me.

    Hey You,
    Control over chocolate? Have we met? LOL. That’s the last thing I have control over but who wants that anyone. Chocolate for everyone. 🙂

    Hugs,
    Annie

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  3. Alas, Annie, the more we learn, the less we know. The answers simply breed more questions. I suppose that’s why they say “ignorance is bliss!” 😉

    – JOS

    Boy isn’t that the truth, JOS? Still, in spite of everything I think I’d rather be an answer seeker than a complacent bliss-holder. What about you? I bet I know the answer. 🙂
    Annie

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  4. I used to be fairly proficient at concealing this stuff. Of late, though, I seem to be leaning toward the Wallow In It school of thought.

    Hey Chaz,
    there’s a lot to be said for wallowin’ – I’ve enjoyed it myself many times. Although if you’re wearing a new dress, it can get messy. 😆 I say, let it all hang out – works for me.
    Annie

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  5. Hi Annie ,

    Let me just see if this works before I write a comment. Love ya. Di.

    Hey Di!!!
    I was just thinking about you. Missed you.
    Love
    Annie

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  6. Yay !!

    Annie Annie Annie,

    Where have you been, where have you been, where have you been.
    Oh ! Your here , I mean; Where have I been ~ smiling ~ Losing control of my feelings I quess ( again ). I’ve just caught up on a couple of pages of your posts , so loved reading you ( again)

    Had such a heavy heart and such an fuzzy head that God decided to sever my connections for a while , he didn’t want me to inflict myslef on anybody , especially people that I love.

    A few months ago I spoke to a few friends about some past historys which is or have been really painful for me to live with and hey quess what happened. I did exactly the same as I do in most painful positions that I find myself in. I remove myself. I remove myself from the people I have talked to ( for a while ) or they remove themselves from me ~ it kinda always seems to work like that for me. Honest to God , last thing I want to do is to inflict myslef upon others , but sometimes you just got to talk eh !

    BUT !

    THE LOVE never gets removed , the care, the warmth , the smiles , the wisdom , the understandings nor the friendships. I’ve missed you Annie. I’m actually computerless at the moment, no lap top and no PC. God works in mysterious and magical ways.

    Di’s back. In London at the moment but when I get home I’m on the computer mans case to come and mend my pesky ones.

    Hey Misis , I’ve got a beach that needs combing everyday and quess what ~ I’ve seen a sand dune with your name on it. Whoo Hoo !!

    Love and miss you Annie
    Di. xx

    Hey Di,
    Wow, my very own sand dune in jolly ol’ England – how lovely. I understand the need to ‘remove’ yourself when things are rocky. I truly do and sometimes we have to, don’t we?

    Anyway, I hope you’re nearly done with that and I’ll be seeing you around again. I’ve missed you, my friend. Yes, get those pesky machines fixed up and just a tip…maybe you shouldn’t let people borrow them, I’ve a feeling some viruses and trojan horses hurt your little computers.

    Love
    Annie

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