Does Suck: Take every single thing anyone says to you personally. This promises to make you feel as bad about yourself as humanly possible. Hell, you can even take the newscast personally if you want to give yourself a triple bonus.
Doesn’t Suck: Never take anything personally, even if it is meant that way. Know from the bottom of your heart and in every fiber of your soul that you are the best and everyone thinks so.
Does Suck: Read only bad news about people, the world, politics, global affairs, the internet. Oh, and don’t forget to check the obits and crime stats on a daily basis, cuz there is some great depressing stuff in there.
Doesn’t Suck: Never read anything but t.v. Guide and fashion magazines. They are filled with beautiful photos of beautiful people and by ozmosis, you too can be one of them.
Does Suck: Always believe that what other people have is so much better than what you have. Coveting what others have is a surefire way to see nothing but shades of grey in your own life. The grass is always greener on the other side and apparently there is a special turf builder afforded to only a special few.
Doesn’t Suck: Realize that everyone has crabgrass in their lawn, despite the amount of care and chemicals given to said lawns. Stick to your own lawn, at least you know where the weeds and the sink holes are.
Does Suck: When you look in the mirror, focus on every physical flaw you can find, while simultaneously scanning fashion magazines (for men, GQ is your sure bet) because there is no way you could possibly compete with anoerexic, air-brushed, photo-shopped super models even if you had a beauty makeover team working on you 24/7.
Doesn’t Suck: When you look in the mirror, imagine yourself as the young beauty or handsome stud of your highschool or college days. Dress according to that lovely image and do so with attitude, eventually, people will start to see what you see.
Does Suck: Never voice an opinion that could possibly be construed as offensive in any way. If you do, you are doomed if you long for a career in politics, public relations or morning talk show host status. Stick with the blandest statements possible and never say what you really think.
Doesn’t Suck: Tell anyone who will listen what you really think about everything. Take no prisoners and make sure no one is uninformed on your latest theories and conclusions. Feel free to be graphic and painfully candid. It won’t win you any popularity contests but you will sleep like a baby and never suffer from road rage, depression or crankiness.
Does Suck: Never buy yourself anything new – stick to thrift shops and hand me downs. Convince yourself that you can’t afford even the smallest luxury because money is dear and the price of gas is going to drive you to homelessness.
Doesn’t Suck: Buy as much cool stuff as you can possibly charge on your charge cards. That is what they are there after all, right? If you run out of chargeable credit on your cards, ask your lover, mother, sister or cousin to buy you stuff. You’d be surprised how often they’ll say yes.
Does Suck: Believe everything written in newspapers or uttered on newscasts. Be as afraid of these outlets hope to make you. Believe that the world is coming to an end and you definitely will not be one of those who will survive the collapse of the civilized world. Or if you do, that you will end up as some sort of mutant that makes the folks on I Am Legend, look like little bo peep.
Doesn’t Suck: Only use newspapers for paper machete projects or wrapping garbage. Believe the world will go on forever and you are one of its stars. It may come to an end but why create worry lines and crow’s feet just in case that happens? If it does come to an end, you will be in a happy party mood and will enjoy it more.
Does Suck: Be depressed by anyone else’s success – especially if it is in any way related to your own goals, dreams or desires. After all, there are only so many lucky breaks to go along and they are runnning out daily.
Doesn’t Suck: Praise everyone’s success, for their success could be your success, especially if they need a personal assistant who gets to do cool things. If it’s someone you know, be all the gladder – because – hey if they can do it, well heck you can do it too. No problem.
Does Suck: Worry about everything that may happen to you, your family, and the world. Carry a rosary with you at all times, so that God will know you are praying for the madness to end – you might as well hedge your bets in case it comes down to choosing you or some other schlub getting into the pearly gates.
Doesn’t Suck: Never worry about anything, just assume God or the Universe will take care of it or possibly your room mate. Worry is bad for the smooth skin of the face and makes you grumpy – but beyond that does absolutely nothing. Besides, the less worried you are the more likely some hot guy or babe is going to want to date you.
Does Suck: And finally, never see anything good in anything you do. Constantly long to know the secrets of what other people do but at the same time know you are not worthy to know these secrets much less carry them off, should the slight chance of your discovering them ever happen..
Doesn’t Suck: See good in everything you do, even if it’s just picking your nose, because after all, your nose appreciates it, doesn’t it?
So, there you have it, a complete guide to make your life suck or not suck wet mops. Which one do you like?