Politics, mob rule and social media—what I’ve learned

So in the last few weeks I’ve been paying attention to politics on Facebook. I’d been very intentionally ignoring it up til then because we were miles away from the actual election and I don’t need to decide what I believe in since I already know.

So one day, a few weeks ago, I started to actually look at the political stuff in my feed, scan the articles, read some of the comments and move on. It was intense. I mean, I’ve been a political junkie on and off for many years but things were more intense than I’d seen them since people in Florida were counting chads.

As is my habit, I made a general statement/observation about a certain set of supporters of a certain candidate. To me it was light, somewhat humorous and meant to illicit a laugh. Instead I was attacked. This not only stunned me but made me reexamine my statement to see if it’d been really inflammatory. Nope. Still seemed relatively mild to me. And then from there, I was hooked and frankly until the last couple of days, haven’t come up for air.

So after my foray into the depths of the political trenches I’ve learned the following:

1. Some of your friends are willing to toss you aside for a stranger who makes promises they can’t keep.
2. People can become so invested in someone they are willing to call you every and any name in the book including skank, whore, bitch, and worse.
3. The anonymity of the Internet emboldens people to spew hatred, vitriol and insanity everywhere they travel.
4. Some people will believe absolutely anything despite a mountain of facts that categorically disprove that belief.
5. There is no low too low for some people.
6. Logic often has no place in politics and frequently is the first victim to be thrown under the bus.
7. Some people are more than happy to ruin others’ lives simply because the do not agree with them.
8. Free speech is relegated, apparently, to only the chosen few.
9. Fairness, objectivity, and truth is a matter of opinion.
10. You cannot convince an angry person of anything.
11. To some, winning justifies any tactic, no matter how abhorrent, despicable and dirty.
12. Many people don’t actually do any research on the candidate they champion and when that is pointed out, you better be wearing full body armor.
13. There are a lot of angry people out there who are misdirecting their anger at total strangers on the Internet.
14. I long for the days when cute cat videos were the most popular thing on the Internet.
15. Apparently anybody can run for president these days and people will treat them like they know what they’re talking about. Hey – maybe I should run.
16. I trust my dog more than most politicians.
17. Going to a political rally is a lot more dangerous than it used to be.
18. Orange has become a really popular color – not with me, I look terrible in orange.
19. According to the polls, the presumed candidates for the November election are two of the most disapproved of people in America.
20. So far, nobody has attacked any candidates’ pets, but give it time.

How about you? Enjoying the current political happenings? Have you been trolled, flamed, attacked or is it just a barrel of laughs as far as your concerned? Learned anything or is just politics as usual? Feel free to observe, vent or yammer in the comments.

 

Peace out, Writer Chick

Good News! The official marshmallow roasting rules are here!

So the Forest Department has put out a detailed list of rules and instructions on roasting marshmallows. Thank God, because since we’ve only been roasting marshmallows over camp fires since there were marshmallows and camp fires, I’m sure we need a bit of a brush up.

So for your Labor Day weekend enjoyment, I’m going to channel my inner gubbermint worker and read between the lines for you and tell you what they really mean:

1. First of all, you’re too fat and marshmallows are empty calories, so don’t roast the dang marshmallows in the first place. Instead roast fruit, soy nuts, or tofurky (refer to First Lady’s acceptable campfire eating list on our website.).

2. If you must roast marshmallows because of some dagnabbit  Christian-Judeo tradition that you claim is in the Bible, at least use the sugar-free, soy version that tastes like toilet paper and comes in a US approved recyclable package.

3. Be sure to remove the marshmallows from the package before roasting. Campfires are not like microwaves and you cannot put a packaged product into the fire without potentially causing harm.

4. Be sure to use a government approved stick. Many of our trees are endangered and we must not sacrifice them so you can have a roasting stick to make a completely unhealthy snack that we advise against in the first place. Check the endangered stick list on our website or download our convenient acceptable stick app that will glow green when you find the right kind of stick. Better yet, bring your own roasting implement so you don’t unnecessarily use up our limited natural resources you selfish marshmallow roasting bigot.

5. Do not put the marshmallow on the end of your finger and stick it in the fire. Direct contact with fire will hurt like the dickens and Obamacare does not cover self inflicted burn wounds.

6. Be sure to bring enough marshmallows that will feed more than your camping party. After all, not everybody has the luxury of marshmallows and since you do, you must offer your fair share of free marshmallows to the homeless and the poor should they happen upon your campsite. Because that’s the right thing to do you selfish, over-consuming snack gobbler.

7. Be sure to register as a marshmallow roaster with the Forestry Department and have your registration ready if a forest ranger should happen by and demand to see it. If you are found roasting marshmallows without the proper registration you may be fined up to $200,000 and be required to do a minimum of 200 hours of community service.

8. Remember marshmallow roasting may cause forest fires, spew smoke into our already clogged air so you should reconsider roasting your dang marshmallows and roast what we think is better for you and have on our approved list of snacks you selfish junk food bigot.

9. In fact, instead of going camping, we prefer you reduce your carbon footprint by staying home, preparing a meal of tasty raw fruits and vegetables and watching the PBS special on reducing your carbon footprint. You’ll save gas, calories and possible fines and jail time too.

10. From all of us at the National Forestry Department, we wish you a safe, low calorie, non-carcinogenic, politically correct Labor Day Weekend.

Okay, just in case somebody out there doesn’t realize this is satire, I’m going to say, this is satire. However, no gubbermint workers were harmed in the writing and posting of this article.

Happy Labor Day Weekend folks. And save a s’more for me.

Writer Chick
Copyright 2014

SantaBama

Yes, indeed, yet another Christmas parody for your amusement. Since our president seems to be in such a giving mood, I thought adapting this Christmas classic to reflect his generosity was appropriate. And really Santa Baby translates so well into SantaBama, doncha think?

SantaBama (to the tune of Santa Baby)

SantaBama, slip a freebie under the tree, for me
I’ve been an awful good girl
SantaBama, and hurry down to Congress tonight

SantaBama, an out-of-space budgetary coup, from you
I’ll wait up for you dear
SantaBama, and hurry down to Congress tonight

Think of all the grants I’ve missed
Think of all the wants that you could assist
Next year I could be oh so good
If you’d pay for my Christmas list
Boo doo bee doo

Barry honey, I wanna smoke my pot and really that’s
Not a lot
I’ve been a libbie all year
SantaBama, and hurry down to Congress tonight

Bama cutie, there’s one thing I really do need, the deed
To a GM factory
SantaBama, and hurry down to Congress tonight

SantaBama, I’m filling my stocking with unemployment checks
Sign your ‘X’ on the line
SantaBama, and hurry down to Congress tonight

Come and trim my Christmas tree
With entitlements bought with bribery
I really do believe in change
Let’s see if you believe in me
Boo doo bee doo

SantaBama, forgot to mention one little bone, a loan
I don’t mean to pay
SantaBama, and hurry down to Congress tonight

Hurry down to Congress tonight
Hurry down to Congress tonight

What do you want from SantaBama?  Hurry I think the lameduck session may already have adjourned.

WC

Cigarette – Theme Friday

Samantha stared at the pulsing cursor on her screen as it mocked and dared her to decide. Her desk overflowed with books depicting, murder, mayhem, and body disposal. And true accounts of atrocities most people would rather not know, but upon which she thrived. Samantha Smith wrote murder mysteries—the ultimate human puzzles.

Sam crushed out a cigarette in the full ashtray and pondered how much damage cigarette lighter could do to a victim.  While Sam deliberated, her villain paced and screamed from the electronic page. “Hey! What the fuck am I gonna do? Torture her with the lighter in my car or do I get a Zippo? A real man’s weapon?”

“Snap out of it girl before you climb inside that monitor?” a voice from the real world asked.

Sam felt her heart brake as her body did an involuntary jump. “Oh Jesus, Erica, how many times have I told you not to sneak up on me?” Sam wagged a finger at Erica Markum—friend and aggravator alike.

Erica snickered and her dark eyes danced. “I didn’t sneak up on you, darling. I simply walked in. Is it my fault that you’re so absorbed in whatever murder you’re plotting that you’ve gone deaf?”

“All right,” Sam smiled and easily forgave the intrusion. “Honestly, I could use a distraction.” The sound of her villain’s voice reduced to a mere nagging whisper in the back of her mind. Sam lit another cigarette and scanned her desk for the cup of coffee she’d brought into her office hours before. “Are we having lunch or something? Did I forget again?”

Erica shook her head and thumbed through one of Sam’s reference books. “Mmmm, The Poison Cookbook. That should make for some interesting recipes.”

“Then what are you doing here?”

“Just dropped in to say, hello.” Erica smiled seductively.

Sam took the book away from Erica and put it aside. She admired Erica’s long, red fingernails and pictured her at home in a novel about murder and deceit. She’d make a perfect murderess – beautiful, intelligent and manipulative. Sam let the idea percolate in her head. A definite possibility for her next female villain. Sam smiled in that writer way as the wheels turned. Click, click, and click.

Erica tensed. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Like what?” Sam asked.

“Like you’re wondering if I have a gun in my garter belt,” Erica chided.

“Am I, darling? I’m sorry. Really, I was just thinking about my story. You know how preoccupied I can get.”

Erica fidgeted with the clasp on her designer handbag. “Don’t lie to me, I know you were thinking something.”

Sam laughed. “You’re right. I was thinking . . . I was thinking what a good villain you would make.” Erica frowned. “Don’t get upset, I don’t mean literally . . . I mean for one of my stories, you know?” Erica’s frown became a grimace. Sam hurried to explain. “As a model, I mean. That you would make a good model for one of my villains . . . in a story. Oh come on, it’s a compliment really.”

Erica smiled without joy. “Oh,” she laughed. “Yes, I see. Well, thank you.”

Sam clutched a little at Erica’s reaction—she was still pissed, that was obvious. Better to change the subject. She made a big deal of routing around her desk. “Do you have a cigarette? I can’t find mine anywhere.”

Erica frowned. “You can’t find them because you smoked all of them”

“Do you have a cigarette?” Sam asked again and wondered why she and Erica were friends.

Erica dug through her bag. “So tell me, what kind of killer would I be?”

Sam shrugged. “I don’t know. Probably clever.” She leaned back in her old desk chair and envisioned Erica as murderess. “I think with panache.”

Erica’s grin was sudden and genuine. “Oooh, with panache. Really? You think?”

Sam nodded and grinned. “Yes, definitely. And your crime would be clever and unexpected. Your victim would trust you and would be utterly shocked when you finally attacked.”

Erica smiled again but it was a little creepy and Sam a shiver. “How intriguing. Why would I kill? Would I have a reason, or would it just be for kicks?”

But Sam was enjoying the game. “Good question. No, you wouldn’t do it for kicks. You’d have a reason. Jealousy probably.”

Erica looked angry suddenly and shook her head. “I would not!”

“Oh please, Erica, you know how jealous you are. Don’t you remember last summer? You thought I was having an affair with Jim? It took us weeks to convince you that you were being paranoid.”

Erica’s face clouded and she nodded. “Of course, I remember.” She pulled a pack of cigarettes from her bag and offered a smoke to Sam.

Sam snatched the smoke, lit it and took a deep drag. “Thank God!” She coughed. “Jesus, these are strong! What are they?”

“Poison, darling,” Erica smiled. “Pure poison.”

“Please, don’t start with the lectures again. I get enough of that crap from my mother. Besides, you smoke too.”

“Yes,” Erica nodded, “but in moderation. It’s not an addiction for me.”

Sam felt dizzy and put the cigarette in the ashtray. “I don’t feel right.”

Erica stroked Sam’s hair and patted her on the shoulder. “Don’t worry, darling, it won’t last long. I read it right here in your lovely book.  It says the pain passes quickly.”

Sam’s heart raced and she couldn’t focus. “What book? What do you mean?”

“I warned you about Jim. You think because I’m beautiful that I must be stupid?” Erica  waved a photograph of Sam and Jim in an intimate pose, in Sam’s face. “I know what you did.” Tears welled in Erica’s eyes but she ignored them. “Well darling, it’s all over now.”

Sam realized she’d be dead in minutes. The room faded out of focus. And she couldn’t voice the questions and defenses raging in her mind. Just before Sam’s equilibrium deserted her, she lunged for Erica but instead fell to the floor.

Erica leaned down and checked Sam for a pulse, then smiled. “Bye, bye, darling.”

Erica snubbed the burning cigarette out in the ashtray and put the butt in her pocket. “Musn’t leave evidence, must we?” Erica asked as Sam’s dead eyes stared up at her.  “I must say darling, you were right I am a clever murderess. Do you think Jim will agree?  Erica shrugged her lovely shoulders. “I guess the experts are right—smoking is hazardous to your health.”

What’s Christine smoking?

Is Clancy Jane on the back porch having a smoke?

Deadline – Theme Friday

There is a reason the word dead is in deadline. It’s because you practically kill yourself trying to meet an arbitrary time frame. When you do, there is rarely any clamor. Perhaps a high-five or two (do people still high-five?). Usually though just silence. Thick and still. Dark and quiet. Silence. As though defying time, giving up sleep, food and social contacts is ordinary behavior. Because deadlines are important. More important than you are, no doubt.

After the deadline is met, you become dead. The work is done and handed over. Until or unless there is more work you don’t exist. Nobody is thinking about your deadlines. To pay the electric bill or the rent. That you might need to feed yourself or perhaps the cat. That cars do not run on empty. Really? No shit.

Your gotta haves and need it nows gotta wait and get it later. Cuz see…the deadline is met. And you? Dead tired. Dead broke. Dead wrong. You’re… just… dead.

copyright 2009

Where is Christine’s deadline taking her?

The Underwear Bomb

Wow, talk about getting your panties in a knot. That my dear readers is the ‘bomb’ that sought to take down a commercial airliner. What concerns me most was that the explosives were sewn into the crotch of the underwear. Now, I don’t want to be rude or anything but is this some sort of macho muslim metaphor or what?

If security logic follows then we may have to offer up our tidy whities when going through airport security later this year. I mean Richard Reid brought us the shoe bomb and now we have offer up our shoes and that was what? – six years ago? So, I’m thinking maybe we all just ought to go commando while flying the friendly skies and shorten the security lines.  😉

Details of this explosive front page story can be found here.

Sunday Satire & Something to Think About

(from the Wall Street Journal – emphasis, mine)

You may wonder why I have such a love of posting cartoons about our current leader (and I use the term loosely) and probably think it’s because I lean conservative – however, it’s exchanges like that below that really motivate me.

“President Obama didn’t make much news on his round of five Sunday talk shows … with one notable exception. The President revealed a great deal about his philosophy of government and how he defines a tax increase. It turns out the President thinks a health-care tax is not a tax if he thinks the tax is for your own good. … Mr. Obama was asked by [ABC] host George Stephanopoulos about the ‘individual mandate.’ Under Max Baucus’s Senate bill that Mr. Obama supports, everyone would be required (required to buy? so where is the free in the free healthcare here, then?) to buy health insurance or else pay a penalty as high as $3,800 a year.

Mr. Stephanopoulos posed the obvious question about this kind of coercion when ‘the government is forcing people to spend money, fining you (fining you? so if you don’t buy the free healthcare then you are fined for not buying the free healthcare?)  if you don’t [buy insurance]. … How is that not a tax?’

‘Well, hold on a second, George,’ Mr. Obama replied. ‘Here’s what’s happening. You and I are both paying $900, on average — our families — in higher premiums because of uncompensated care. Now what I’ve said is that if you can’t afford health insurance, you certainly shouldn’t be punished for that. That’s just piling on. If, on the other hand, we’re giving tax credits, we’ve set up an exchange, you are now part of a big pool, we’ve driven down the costs, we’ve done everything we can and you actually can afford health insurance, but you’ve just decided, you know what, I want to take my chances. And then you get hit by a bus and you and I have to pay for the emergency room care, that’s…’ (excuse me, but aren’t these the guys who mandated that anyone who goes into an emergency room in America must be treated, regardless of insurance, national origin or ability to pay? if we are paying for the guy who got hit by a bus, then it’s your party, bub, who brought that about in the first place!)

‘That may be,’ Mr. Stephanopoulos responded, ‘but it’s still a tax increase.’ (In fact, uncompensated care accounts for about only 2.2% of national health spending today, but that’s another subject.)

Mr. Obama: ‘No. That’s not true, George. The — for us to say that you’ve got to take a responsibility to get health insurance is absolutely not a tax increase. What it’s saying is, is that we’re not going to have other people carrying your burdens for you anymore (really, mr. prez? and so all that bailout money, the bah-trillion dollar deficit and your new programs isn’t other people carrying someone else’s burden? how do you figure?) …’ In other words, like parents talking to their children, this levy — don’t call it a tax — is for your own good (gee, i’m so glad you came along to make me do things for my own good because well shit, i’ve been doing it all wrong for all these years) . … Mr. Obama complains that ‘My critics say everything is a tax increase,’ as if that is his political problem. His real problem is that the individual mandate really is a tax, but the President doesn’t want voters to think of it that way, because taxes are unpopular.”

So, there you have it – a tax that isn’t a tax. A president who is only making us do what is best for us because clearly we can’t determine that for ourselves. And a man who simply cannot tolerate criticism of any kind. Welcome to the free fucking world, folks.

WC

That Was the Week That Was

This week has been exciting and exhausting and so I  just took  it easy this weekend – in other words I let my brain have a mini-vacation. However, I thought a little post on current events might be fun.

Link of the week:

The anniversary of D-Day was just this past Friday, I thought a visit to this website would be cool. There are some very rare black and white photos of that historic day – one of which I used in this post (above). Check it out.

Quote of the week:

“Hey, Obama has just nationalized nothing more and nothing less than General Motors. Comrade Obama! Fidel, careful or we are going to end up to his right!”

Communist Despot, Hugo Chavez

Idiot quote of the week:

“We know some of this money is going to be wasted, there are going to be mistakes made. Some people are being scammed already.”
Moron & Vice President, Joe Biden

Economic scorecard:

Here are some recent numbers on the effect of the $787 billion stimu-less package:

• From January to March, GDP plunged 5.7 percent (sure, why should we produce when we’re going to get everything free?)

• Business spending fell 36.9 percent (are there actually any businesses left? aside from the government?)

• Forecasters predict a 12-percent plunge in 2009 manufacturing output (we should be so lucky)

• Foreclosure and mortgage delinquencies now stand at the highest levels on record (I think that means like ever)

• Unemployment has reached 9.4 percent (Obama’s prediction was a high of 8.1 percent – it must have been a teleprompter malfunction)

• 345,000 nonfarm jobs were lost in May (unfortunately, none of these were government jobs either)

• Since the “stimulus,” 16,000 jobs have been lost every day (again, not government jobs – too bad)

• This year’s deficit has ballooned to $1.8 trillion (How many zeroes is that, like 9 or something? $1,800,000,000???)

• Federal Reserve Chairman Bernanke predicts by 2011 the deficit will be 70 percent of GDP (up by 30% which means it’s almost doubled. hello? is this thing on?)

After thought:

Oddly enough, Wal-Mart plans to create 22,000 new jobs this year without a dime of stimulus money. (That’s freeking capitalism for you, eh?)

Now, That's Entertainment…

I saw this yesterday and thought it was a scream – I do have a soft spot for parodies though.

10 Reasons Why Depression is Good for Your Skin

So this week has been bitch and moan week for me. Oh the drama. On the other hand I look simply mahvelous, so I can only conclude that my sad mood has been good for my skin. Think I”m kidding? Nope, and here’s why:

1. You don’t smile – thereby avoiding those pesky laugh lines that leave tracks around your eyes.

2. You’re too sad to talk and it’s impossible to read through your tears, so you sleep. Sleep rejuvenates the body, helps to grow new cells and gets rid of the puffiness around your eyes that you got while you were happy and up all night, managing on 3 hours of sleep.

3. You extend your beauty routine in order to make yourself feel better, so you slough more, moisturize more, give yourself facials and pop for mannies and peddies, again to make yourself feel better.

4. People leave you alone lest they have to console you or something, which gives you space, which gives you peace, which gives your skin a very dewy look.

5. Because you feel like crap you are spurned to ‘cleanse’ the body, therefore you begin drinking water with slices of lemon, swap coffee for herbal tea and nibble on salad because you have no appetite.

6. Because people are leaving you alone and it’s too much of a chore to read or do anything you dig out all of your chick flicks and watch them non-stop. You thereby expose yourself to an over-supply of romance, happy endings and things turning out right (instead of how they really turn out) – this quickens your pulse, thereby increasing the blood flow and circulation which equals a rosy complexion.

7. You call all your girlfriends, many of whom you haven’t spoken to in months, the console, commiserate and help to really pump up your self-esteem. Again, this quickens the pulse, increases the blood flow, gives you back your swagger and does wonders for those fine lines.

8. Because you are railing against that which is making you sad, you decide you must change everything about your life. You throw away all your clothes (except for the really nice designer items, good shoes and bags) which necessitates a huge shopping binge. Since you are depressed you don’t care that you are putting it all on your credit card and nothing makes your skin wake up like a new wardrobe.

9. Since you’ve already dropped a wad of credit on a new wardrobe, you feel that you must take the makeover to completion, so you go to the most expensive salon in town and get a brand new edgy cut and color, while wearing your new clothes and walk out feeling like a super model. Definitely good for the skin. Are you feeling all rosy and glowy yet?

10. And to top it all off you make an appointment with that hunky massage dude Sven, who is a golden god with rippling muscles and during your hour and a half massage you have the best fantasy you’ve had in years and you’re rosy from head to toe.

See, I’m telling you feeling bad has it’s upside. 😉

Note: This is satire, I am not making fun of people with real depression, I am making fun of myself. In case you were wondering.