Where Have I Gone?

 

Where have I gone?
I don’t see me
when I look
into the mirror…

Just some woman
who spent
too much time
in the sun
at the buffet
by the clearance racks.

The woman
I was never
going to become
greets me now
in the morning
in the evening
in the funhouse mirror
of the elevator.

She smirks and
sucks in a breath
and seraches for mints
in the bottom
of her purse.

She mutters at the
moronic actions of youth
worries about
bills, bulges and gums.

Who is she?
And
What has she done with me?

Copyright 2007

Fatal Attraction

It has never ceased to amaze me, that no matter what my fantasy is, I’m not theirs. Know what I mean?

Perhaps it is Murphy’s Law, but why is it the only thing chasing me, makes me run as fast as possible to the nearest police station? I’m saying. 😉

WC

Chicks in dah Hood

Oh yeah, that’s what I’m talking about!

 Apparently, this is what I have to look forward to in my twilight years. Although, who can complain about an awesome biker jacket and doo-rag? Not I, my friends, not I. 😉

WC

Bad Thoughts

 Okay, I admit it – I’d sell out a friend just to get rid of my fat ass. Shallow, huh? Still, the fantasy of wearing a size 8 again makes a woman do desperate things. What’s your bad, evil wish? Hmmm? 😉 I know you got one. Eveybody has at least one. Right?

WC

Boomer Truths

 

I am one of the annointed ones. You may know my demographic as baby boomer. Yep, I’m a boomer. When you say it like that it sounds kind of like a skateboard champion or something, doesn’t it? Or something equally arrogant?

I have to tell you I am sick of us. I am sick of the boomers. I sick of the generation who thinks it rules the universe from now until eternity. The mantra of never getting old, never passing the torch is pretty irritating.

I remember when I was a kid I was barely in the demograhic, just managed to squeak in there. By the time I was a teen, I was pert near in the middle of the range, now I imagine I’m somewhere in the subgenre of silver or maybe bronze baby boomers since the ‘goldens’ are about to retire and single-handedly destroy social security by sucking it dry. (Funny, I thought Congress had done that 20 years ago. They must be boomers too. )

It’s like the generation that will not die. The generation of generations. The one time in human history that super humans were born. I mean think about it. Look what us boomers have actually contributed to society. The Anti-War Industry; Global Warming/Cooling industry; Catalytic Converters; Economy Cars; An entire economy for Japan and subsequently all Asian nations; Anti-Smoking laws; Anti-Honesty (political correctness); Illiteracy among high school graduates; Institutional Anarchy; Mind Control drugs (psychotropics which alter the chemistry in the brain, all in the name of controlling mental illnesses which by and large are invented); the U.N. (which is supposed to stand for United Nations but really stands for Unbelievable Ninkompoops); they helped us lose a war we actually won (Vietnam) and therefore sentenced millions of people to the killing fields(don’t know what I’m talking about, look it up); they killed class and sense; were able to turn a white trash president into the first black president; botox; plastic surgery; liposuction; cloning; stem cell research; abortion on demand and many other things. Feeling proud? I know I sure am.

To be fair there have been other contributions which were good – and I don’t think all baby boomers are bad – but the bad ones are so bad, so arrogant I want to scream and the good ones no one seems to listen to. But the thing that is so funny to me and maybe is a secret that I’m not supposed to tell is this: Their real thing and what really motivates them is that they don’t want to get old. They will do and say anything rather than get old. Their whole lives revolve around looking and acting young. Ponce de Leon has nothing on these folks – cuz they are never, never, never, never, ever going to get old.

They will build hearing aids into their Ipods, sew Depends into their designer capris, wear their hair extensions to their caskets; laser out their wrinkles; dye what hair they have left; liposuction their fat bellies and asses and drive Corvettes forever. Just so you don’t know how old they really are.

Me? Personally I don’t see anything wrong with wanting to look good or feel good, or have healthy habits – but I am getting older. So what? That is a mantle passed from generation to generation, it is a medal from life that is earned. The joy of getting older is that you find you don’t have nearly as much to prove as you once thought; you have experience; you gain wisdom and can determine really what is important. I find it very freeing and delightful. I wear my wrinkles proudly and the sun damage and the silver (ultra blonde) hairs and all the rest. Maybe if a lot of my fellow boomers would relax and accept who they really are, the world wouldn’t be such a bizarre place. Or maybe it would. Hard to say.

WC

Breakfast at the Museum

I guess we all get a bit peckish, sometimes. So, here they are Zelda and my alter egos…for your entertainment. 😆 WC

I Was Doing it Wrong!

Who knew all this time I was weighing myself the wrong way! Apparently, I only weight 17 lbs. For cripessakes I am practically anorexic! I need chocolate and ice cream immediately – it’s a matter of life and death. I guess the big fat ass is an optical illusion. It’s all a matter of perspective, doncha think? 😆

WC

Is There an American Idol Under There?

I have to tell you I am so not impressed with anybody so far. I know I am new to this American Idol thing – and really maybe I was only meant to watch one season and be on my way. And if the auditions so far are any indication that could be quite true.

For the most part we’ve seen the typical bi-polar individuals who look like they’ve got on their makeup and costume for the big scene in a horror movie – and who sound like tortured souls risen from the depths of hell.

Then there are the simply clueless bambi types who have that big-eyed disappointment when they are told no. As though they don’t understand what the word no, means.

Then the ones who look relatively normal but have way more confidence than talent – and when they flake out on the first song, start singing other songs, sometimes changing up to three times before the judges finally manage to shut them up. “Just give me one more chance,” they all say. “I need a glass of water. I need to go to the bathroom.” Whatever. Do they really think that the judges will forget how bad they were during the 3 minute break – or that they will instantly become genius after they empty their bladder.

I’ve seen 4 or 5 people who will likely make it to the top 24. The blonde girl, they guy named sundance, the guy who looks like a cross between Fidel Castro and a Hassidic Rabbi, the bald guy whose kid was born the day of the audition and the back up singer who looks like a young Gladys Knight. I don’t think we’ve met the idol yet. My prediction. And believe me, there is not a Chris, Kelly, Paris or Taylor among them yet. This could be a really boring year.

This part of the show is always somewhat painful from what I understand – but so far it’s really sucked even the weird auditions were weird creepy, not funny. Remember the mom and daughter look alike team? She had blonde hair and mom was a brunette. Weird glasses, frizzy hair, braless, horrible clothes – and this girl went on and on about how sexy she was. I’m telling you, the meds need to be upped, seriously.

Tonight is another night of agony. Not sure I’ll make it through unless they start showing at least a couple of people worth hearing.

WC

Me & Zelda in 40 Years

I loved this cartoon – because it truly reflects what a retard I am at heart. And also I was doing this all day – completely misunderstanding what everyone said like ‘time for lunch’ sounded like ‘slimey hunch’ and ‘that’s the ticket’ sounded like ‘tits in a widget’ – yeah another fine day at my new job. 😉

WC

Time To Embarrass Mom…

Sorry folks, I just couldn’t resist – it was too funny not to post. In fact, believe it or not, it reminds me of a real life story from my childhood and it goes like this…

One winter morning (I was about 13) my little brother, CE was outside with his buddy Jimmy playing war. No big deal because he was always outside playing with Jimmy no matter the weather, much as you would expect of an 8 year old.

My bedroom was in the back of the house and had a back door, with a window, that led out to the back yard. Mom and I were in my room chatting about something or another and for some reason Mom looked out side. All the color drained from her face and see ran to the door and pulled it open. She screamed for my brother to come in immediately.

I had no idea what was going on or why my mother was so non-plussed but was quite intrigued. My little brother hurried inside and said, ‘What’s the matter?’

I almost died. Around his head he had wrapped a kotex, which he also colored with ketchup or something red and I suppose he was make believing it was a head bandage or something, given that he was playing war.

I had to keep digging my nails in my closed hand to keep from laughing out loud. So it went like this:

Mom: What is that on your head?

CE: It’s a bandage.

Mom: Where did you get it?

CE: (pointing to me) Her closet.

Mom: Take that off right now!

CE: Why?

Mom: Because I said so!

CE: Oh man!

Mom: Right now, young man!

He took it off and handed it to her and she almost passed out.

Me: What’s that red stuff?

CE: Ketchup.

That was it, I fell over laughing and even Ma joined in. We couldn’t even speak much less answer all of my brother’s demands to know what was so funny.

Nothing like making the most of what you’ve got, eh?

Life is funny sometimes, doncha think?

WC